Hazey

Hey, surfers of the internet!

I hope your day is going well.

So the last post was a rather personal love poem I wrote last week. One of my close friends encouraged me to post it, so there you go! I hope those of you who read it liked it, even if it's just a little bit.

So Ari finally got back from California late last night/ early this morning. I was woken up because we have to share a bed for the foreseeable future because my grandpa is staying with us. Which means I am in a very cranky mood.

I can't talk freely about my frustration for fear she will see, but I'm extremely frustrated with a girl I know. It's bred from insecurity and a need to be dominant in the YWiC and subsequent computer science spaces. I like feeling appreciated and needed and useful, but she kinda prevents it for me. She has taken the lead and it upsets me. I've been a leader for a while, even if it's only in the background.

I guess this is giving me experience with working with people that I don't get along well with. And it really sucks, because she is a good friend of mine. We just don't work great together. We get along fine, but some things that I normally do for these camps have been replaced by what she thinks is "better." And some days it's not that bad but some days it sucks so much. I realize that I'm just jealous and insecure, but this is my space. This is where I've been the past six+ summers of my life. I live and breathe YWiC. I've seen what works and what doesn't. I've seen both good and bad camp experiences. Two camps does not an expert make.

Sorry. I just had to get my frustration out. I needed to vent about it so that I can be ok today. I'm not in a great mood, again because I had very little sleep. I'm not equipped to be personable and cheery today. Let's see what happens. I hope Ari being here in the afternoon will make things better.

So long for now!

Memories of a Dream

Love of my life,

do you know who I am?

I thought I knew you in

blonde hair and scars blamed on cats

But you disappeared when

uncertainty tainted blue-green eyes

Love of my life,

where do you hide?

I thought I found you in

brown hair and dripping sarcasm,

in open arms and acceptance of

my darkness

But you ran from me when

stress and distance separated

her heart from mine

Love of my life,

are you waiting for me?

Hope springs in my chest when I

dream of you

Of the life we could live

But dreams fade as my heart is broken

over and over again

Love of my life,

do you even exist?

I search for you, I dream of you

Yet still you hide, still you run

Are you kept away from me?

Or are you a figment of a dream I still remember

Love of my life,

I'm waiting on you

My heart is ready, but I suppose

yours is not

Maybe someday we will meet

in the light of day or shadows of night

All I ask is for you to find me before my dream

becomes a nightmare

Out of Body

I often wonder what others think of me. It's not for any self-conscious reason, I'm just interested in my outward perception. It's interesting to me to think about what the world sees. Everyone has a mask, but sometimes people only see what they want to see, what makes sense.

I guess this fascination began because of my family situation. I was born 19 years after my oldest sister. Ari and I were surprise babies, and my sister was often confused as our mother. It only got worse as we got older.

I became aware of the mis-perception at an early age, maybe six or seven.My dad used to take Ari and me to Home Depot and Lowe's to do the building workshops, and sometimes my siblings would take us when he was busy. There were many times when they would ask my sister if she was our mom, or ask my brother if he was our dad. They were mortified, and that got me thinking. Everyone assumes they're my parents, and that my actual parents are my grandparents. I could understand how they could think that my parents were my grandparents, but what drove them to think that my siblings were in a romantic relationship and old enough to have kids our age? My sister, sure. But my brother is only 11 years older than me. It is physically impossible that he could be a dad at that age. He didn't go through puberty until later.

From then on, our family learned how to deal with the incorrect views others have of us. Ari and I got  used to saying, "Brother!" whenever we saw out brother, so that way others would know he was our brother and not some creep predator. And he got used to subtly letting waiters and the like that we all shared a mom so that way they wouldn't think up something totally incorrect. It just became normal, but I still like to think about it. I especially enjoy reminding my brother that I'm old enough that people assume we're dating when it's just us at the mall. He always scoffs and rolls his eyes but I know he knows I'm right.

Once I started thinking about this, I started thinking about how others perceive me. I know that I only let people see what I want them to see, but I wonder how much of that is because I've grown up always having to show exactly who I am to the people surrounding me. Sometimes I'm disappointed in what others are able to see.People assume that I'm nice and intelligent and naive and innocent. Anyone who actually knows me can tell you that I'm nice sometimes, but I can also be mean or harsh, that I can be stupid or dumb about something, that I have an understanding of the world, and that I am far from innocent. I am so much more than what people see. And if that's true for me, isn't that true for everyone?

Sometimes I wonder if it's beneficial for me to hide so easily. I have to get comfortable before I let down any of my walls, but does that really help me in the long run? I have a lot of people that know me, know of me, and people I've had a class with, but there are only a few who have seen the real me, and most of them have only seen glimpses. I have a very select group of people who actually know the real me. I personally prefer that, but it means that my general perception by society conflicts with who I actually am.

This was a lot of words for the ramblings of a teenager getting closer to adulthood (legally). So I guess this is it for today. So long for now!

An Odd Sort of Comfort

Hey there, pretty people!

I hope you all realize that you're beautiful in your own way that society does not dictate.

Anywho.

So I just posted yesterday, but I felt compelled to blog again today. I kinda missed this.

I guess what I really want to talk about is life and love. Society tells us that our sole purpose on this world is to find love, and hopefully create children through said love. We are constantly told that we must find a life partner in the romantic sense, and if we cannot do that, we are considered failures.

This idea of romance and life-long love is outdated and over romanticized. Would I love to have someone to spend the rest of my life with? Yes. But I already have that. Ari and I were born together and we will die together, if not physically, then emotionally. Ideally, I want to find someone I can romance and love and call my wife, but I have to realize that it's not the end-all-be-all.

Another reason this idea is antiquated is because the mold requires children. In this day and age, reproducing is really not conducive to life. Not everyone should reproduce, because our planet simply can't handle it. We may need high birthrates to improve the economy, but we shouldn't require every couple to have children. Homosexual couples might want children, or they might not. I personally want children, and science has found a way for me to have biological children with my future wife. And what of older couples who find each other late in life? Is their love less pure and true because they don't have children?

This idea that we must find one person to spend the rest of our life with also excludes different sexualities. Aromantic people aren't attracted to people romantically. So while they may be sexually attracted to someone, they don't want to date them. Are they less human because they are wired to not want to be with anyone in the romantic sense? And what of asexuals? Are they less human because they aren't sexually attracted to anyone? They may find companionship, but they don't experience arousal and lust. Two things that humans, especially males, seem to cling to.

And what about twins? I have found a life partner (literally) in Ari. I look to them for comfort and honesty. But despite what some people like to think, there is absolutely no sexual or romantic attraction. Yet Ari is the one I trust most. I am an open book with them, as are they me. We can read each other so easily that most assume we have telepathy. Ari is my best friend. But since we are so close, people always insinuate things that disgust me to my very core.

So what does society think of our relationship? Well, most want twins to either be exactly the same, or completely different. Ari and I are neither. We are the same, but different. We're like chocolate and vanilla ice cream; different flavors, but the same basic components and structure. And people want us to either hate each other, or be secretly in love with each other. We are neither. Yes, at one point I was jealous, but I never hated my twin. I love Ari with everything I have. We are two parts of a soul, and realize how lucky we are to have each other. Of course we cherish that. There was a time when we didn't talk, and those were the worst years of my life. I never want to go back to a point when I don't talk to Ari every day. But this type of relationship isn't normal, and society likes to tell us that often.

I think this was just my little rant in lieu of having Ari to talk to. Sorry if I ruffled some feathers. I mean no offense, and I'm honestly really tired. Some of this might have been half-baked. But oh well. So long for now!

I'm in the Crowd but I'm all Alone

Hello, readers of the internet. Happy Hydration Day!

I'm sorry if the gif makes you have to pee.

So how are you all doing? It's officially been summer for three days, so I expect that some of you have done awesome things.

My life is pretty boring. I'm working the New High School and High School Alum YWiC camps, so that's taking up most of my time. I still haven't gotten out of my terrible habit of staying up until 2 in the morning, so I've been really tired today. And I have a twelve-hour day ahead of me, so I'm prepared to die.

This week is weird because Ari isn't here. She decided to go to a Hispanic Youth Institute Conference in California for this week and half of next week. I thought I would be ok, since we were separated for about that long last year, but she's so busy that I can't even text her. My co-workers have noticed my down-trodden mood, as I've become more affectionate and ask for hugs more often than usual. I've noticed that I rely on affection when I'm distressed emotionally. Ari isn't here for me to talk to about all my problems, or have discussions and debates about events that happen locally, nationally, or globally. I don't have someone I can be completely myself with. Ari is the only person I can be completely honest with. I don't have to hide behind social norms or customs or political correctness. I don't have to observe social niceties, and I can be completely analytical and void of feeling. Ari is my rock, and I've found myself shaken up by her absence.

Enough about my sad life.

I've been enjoying myself at the camps. I love helping the girls, though it does take up a significant amount of my energy. I go home and sleep and then I'm not tired enough to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. So yeah. That is my life right now.

I guess I can tell you that I'm no longer associating myself with Jazmyne. I decided that she didn't benefit my life and she certainly didn't make me feel safe, secure, or important. Why would I stay friends with someone who doesn't add value to my life? I haven't really felt any loss at the severance, but I do miss her sometimes. Still. I'm moving on, so that's progress.

I have nothing else to add. So long for now!

Tell the World that I'm Coming Home

Hey all you inter-webbers!

I hope your day has been as awesome as I'm sure you are.

On to the update!

So not too much has happened in the last month an a half. I mean, my grandpa hasn't been doing well. He ended up at the hospital again last week. My family is strung thin, and I don't know how much more stress they can all take. It's bringing us together while simultaneously tearing us apart. 

So that's not great. But I'm dealing. I guess I can tell you guys about graduation. It was pretty great. 

My church held a Graduation Mass a week before I graduated

I don't really know how I feel about it all. I spent 13 years of my life in public school, and it all ended on the 21st of May. And I don't mean to be bitter, but I was number 11 in my class. I was beat out of the top ten by a girl who has been giving me issues all year, so I was really upset. But I still got to graduate in the front, so that was good. I was kinda bored, considering I got to walk across the stage really early, but it was still cool to see all my classmates. I didn't know a lot of them, but that's what happens when you have a large class. 

The graduation party was impressive, if I do say so myself. It almost didn't happen, since my grandpa was in the hospital and coded a few weeks earlier. He was stable, but needed constant observation so we all knew what was happening. It was worth it and it was amazing. I can't thank my family enough for still throwing a party for Ari and me. 

Our cake was awesome

There was a video with embarrassing photos of us, but it was fun being with my family. There was a bittersweet tinge to the ceremony, though. I still haven't come out to my extended family, and I'm not sure how most of them will react. Part of me wonders how  many wouldn't have shown up if they knew I'm a lesbian. 

Enough sad thoughts!

On to YWiC!

So I'm once again a camp assistant for YWiC, and I'm so happy. This year is weird because the camps overlap and are really only half a day. The alum students come after lunch, and it's interesting. We're also in a different room, which I kinda prefer. I like the Ice Cave. It reminds me of the 2012 YWiC camp. I feel so happy here, and I can't wait to get further along. These girls are amazing and I feel lucky to get to know them. 

I don't really have much of an update by way of relationships, but I guess that's good. I don't want to be one of those people who needs to be in a relationship. I am happy with who I am, and I don't need to rely on someone else to bring me happiness. I'm trying to figure out who I am, so that when someone new does come along, I won't be unsure. 

I guess that's all I have to say today. I'm super excited to work with YWiC this summer, and I do believe it will be one of the best years. 

So long for now!