Hello, my dear Interwebers
I absolutely detest breaks. In anything really, but especially in routines. It's been getting worse as I've gotten older, and I hate how much I rely on school to give me a set routine. This past winter break has been one of the most difficult ones for me so far and it's been bothering me.
The root cause of this is my need to be doing something. I don't like being idle. Maybe for a few days, but this winter break is just over a month long. Not having set plans nearly everyday has made my life more complicated and empty at the same time. I'm trapped in an endless cycle of uncertainty and I absolutley hate it. Add to it my relationship with Jenny and things get increasingly more complicated.
Don't get me wrong, Jenny and I are great. She's more than willing to put up with my bullshit and anxiety and depression, and she does her best to help me through it. But Not getting to see her everyday is taking it's toll. I don't get that constant reassurance that I had during the semester. And I can't get the level of affection I had from anyone else. It's put a bit of strain on our relationship because my anxiety acts up during breaks from school and she's the easiest target. When it gets really bad, my mind tells me that Jenny doesn't love me the way I do her, that she doesn't miss me, that I'm not enough for her. And when my depression sets in, it starts telling me that I don't love her, simply because the feelings I have for her are unlike any I've felt before.
I've already discussed all of this with my therapist, but It's been a few days since I saw him and I need to get it out again. Jenny will do little things that wouldn't bother me if she was a friend, but do because she's my girlfriend and because they trigger my anxiety. Like, she'll take a while to respond after seeing a message, or she'll just send back emojis. It shouldn't bother me, but in my fragile mental state, it does. It didn't bother me before, but this break was extremely difficult for me.
Moving out definitely didn't help anything. I know I needed to get out from under my mom's control, but I chose the wrong time to leave. I should have moved out earlier, so that was the stress of Christmas wasn't compounding it. I think that's really what set me off. I felt very alone those first few days, and part of me felt like the get together I threw at my new place was a bust. Mom was stressing me out and having Jenny sleep over made the stress worse.
But I look at Jenny, cuddled up close to me, and I realize just how much I love her. I hold her even tighter and it occurs to me that I never want to let her go. Sure, some little things annoy me, but at the end of it all she's my person. She loves me and I love her. We are both willing to make things work, no matter how difficult things may seem. These trivial things don't matter, and neither do the dark thoughts that plague my head.
EDIT: I wrote this almost a month ago and forgot about it, but I still want to post it. Since writing this, I have improved mentally. I still have occasional flare ups where my anxiety gets the better of me, but Jenny started staying over on weekends so that helped tremendously. Things are getting better in general, though we both have had our bad days recently. Regardless, I'm looking forward to this next semester.
So long for now!
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
Stain Glass Love
Tears turn hazel eyes green
bringing darkness where there was light
transforming sunshine into rain clouds
stealing away her happiness
Voice rough as gravel whispers confessions
giving life to secrets long held
Words rarely spoken pour out like a river
releasing years of stress and fear and loneliness
Her world shatters like glass
fragments littering the ground at your feet
threatening to steal life blood from your veins
You gather the pieces one by one
mindful of sharp edges and fragile sections
hesitant yet still assured in your choice
Jade eyes look on in trepidation
convinced you’ll break her further
crushing her soul until it sifts through your fingers
Surprise brightens dull eyes
shocked at the care you show her broken heart
You piece her together slowly
working out the puzzle with the skill and care of a surgeon
hopeful for a full recovery
Her shattered heart heals and grows
pain and fear and loneliness fading over the years
each summer a reminder of your love
Tears still turn hazel eyes green
though brown eyes and hands keep her from shattering
holding her close and giving her love
Keeping hazel eyes bright and full of life
a kaleidoscope of color made from the heavens
She is your soulmate and you are hers
How lucky you must be
Life Update
Hey there, Interwebers!
I hope you've had a good three, almost five months since I last posted. I've had a hell of a time, both good and bad.
I won't go into the bad too much, but I do wanna talk it out. So, the summer camps were really stressful for me. Sasha and I are only sophomores, so it didn't feel like everyone quite respected us or saw us as the camp leads/instructors. We didn't assert ourselves either, so that just made everything more of a challenge. The guys who were helping weren't much help (well, one guy whom I won't mention by name). But yeah. We got through it and I think we had a successful round of camps.
Another negative was that I had a falling out with a friend. So that sucked. I don't wanna go into it, but I will say that it really fucking sucks that I have lost a friend pretty much every year for the past five years because of things outside of my control. People leave, but it doesn't hurt any less the more you go through it.
Now for positives! I'm trying to focus more on those because of this girl I met named Jenny.
Go ahead, get out the jokes =P But seriously, it's storytime.
So in the summer of 2013, Ari and I did two YWiC camps. One was the regular one and the other was a residential camp. From the residential camp, I met Jade and we're still friends. From the regular camp, I met Jenny. Now at the time, she called herself Jenny the Meeper. She was a year younger than me, but she was super awesome and unapologetically herself. I wanted to talk to her and get to know her, but she had a friend in the camp and I had multiple people that I knew, so we just never really talked. I got her email, but nothing was ever exchanged between up.
Over the years, I would think about her. Just briefly, always along the lines of "I wonder what she's doing." She was super cool and I often wished I had stayed in contact with her. Now for the interesting part.
My friend Cindy made me a tinder account because I apparently complained about wanting a girlfriend too much. She told me that I had to talk to at least one person before deleting it. I was super hesitant because I wasn't sure what I really wanted. But then guess who popped up! Jenny! Looking super gay with her tongue piercing and flannel. I was kinda surprised but at the same time not because she pinged on my gaydar even back at the camp. I was curious so I swiped and it turns out she had swiped right on me first! So I messaged her. I didn't expect anything to happen or to come of it. But she was fun to talk to. We talked for a day and a half before she stopped messaging me. Sad, I know.
I thought my chance with her was over, but then I saw her on campus and checked my tinder account and apparently she drunk messaged me! It was highly amusing and I messaged her back. We started talking and flirting and she showed up to a few AgGays meeting. We exchanged numbers and got closer and I realized I wanted something more. I asked her out on a date, and we've been officially dating for a month and a half, almost. She's super great and I'm in love with her so yeah. She's also the healthiest partner I've had. She supports me and I support her and we can actually communicate, which was a shortcoming in my other relationships. We both have our good and bad days, and help each other through the ones that suck. I love her so much and hope that she stays in my life for as long as possible.
As for school, this semester is going way better than last. I'm doing well in my classes and am generally happier. I want the semester to be over, though. We still have like five more weeks to go. I want winter break to be here already so I can move out and have time to myself. It'll be great once I'm out of the house.
Well, I think that's all I have. So long for now!
I hope you've had a good three, almost five months since I last posted. I've had a hell of a time, both good and bad.
I won't go into the bad too much, but I do wanna talk it out. So, the summer camps were really stressful for me. Sasha and I are only sophomores, so it didn't feel like everyone quite respected us or saw us as the camp leads/instructors. We didn't assert ourselves either, so that just made everything more of a challenge. The guys who were helping weren't much help (well, one guy whom I won't mention by name). But yeah. We got through it and I think we had a successful round of camps.
Another negative was that I had a falling out with a friend. So that sucked. I don't wanna go into it, but I will say that it really fucking sucks that I have lost a friend pretty much every year for the past five years because of things outside of my control. People leave, but it doesn't hurt any less the more you go through it.
Now for positives! I'm trying to focus more on those because of this girl I met named Jenny. Go ahead, get out the jokes =P But seriously, it's storytime.
So in the summer of 2013, Ari and I did two YWiC camps. One was the regular one and the other was a residential camp. From the residential camp, I met Jade and we're still friends. From the regular camp, I met Jenny. Now at the time, she called herself Jenny the Meeper. She was a year younger than me, but she was super awesome and unapologetically herself. I wanted to talk to her and get to know her, but she had a friend in the camp and I had multiple people that I knew, so we just never really talked. I got her email, but nothing was ever exchanged between up.
Over the years, I would think about her. Just briefly, always along the lines of "I wonder what she's doing." She was super cool and I often wished I had stayed in contact with her. Now for the interesting part.
My friend Cindy made me a tinder account because I apparently complained about wanting a girlfriend too much. She told me that I had to talk to at least one person before deleting it. I was super hesitant because I wasn't sure what I really wanted. But then guess who popped up! Jenny! Looking super gay with her tongue piercing and flannel. I was kinda surprised but at the same time not because she pinged on my gaydar even back at the camp. I was curious so I swiped and it turns out she had swiped right on me first! So I messaged her. I didn't expect anything to happen or to come of it. But she was fun to talk to. We talked for a day and a half before she stopped messaging me. Sad, I know.
I thought my chance with her was over, but then I saw her on campus and checked my tinder account and apparently she drunk messaged me! It was highly amusing and I messaged her back. We started talking and flirting and she showed up to a few AgGays meeting. We exchanged numbers and got closer and I realized I wanted something more. I asked her out on a date, and we've been officially dating for a month and a half, almost. She's super great and I'm in love with her so yeah. She's also the healthiest partner I've had. She supports me and I support her and we can actually communicate, which was a shortcoming in my other relationships. We both have our good and bad days, and help each other through the ones that suck. I love her so much and hope that she stays in my life for as long as possible.
As for school, this semester is going way better than last. I'm doing well in my classes and am generally happier. I want the semester to be over, though. We still have like five more weeks to go. I want winter break to be here already so I can move out and have time to myself. It'll be great once I'm out of the house.
Well, I think that's all I have. So long for now!
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
Full Circle
How are you, Interwebers?
I hope you've been good. My life has been hectic and a little stressful, but I'm in a good place emotionally.
Wondering what's with the title of this post? Well, I have officially come full circle; This summer I am a YWiC Camp Instructor. Seven years ago, I was a middle school girl discovering the wonders of Scratch and PicoCricket. Today, I am teaching high school girls the intricacies of LilyPad Arduino. I am in the place of my role models and friends, and I have no idea how to feel about it.
It feels daunting, this responsibility I have for these girls's learning. I am responsible for their learning, and part of me doubts that I'm good enough at teaching. But it's been two days and the high school girls love LilyPad, and I have had no complaints. I only hope the middle school camps will be the same.
In case any of you are wondering, I passed all of my classes! I wasn't so sure I would. When Grandpa died, it threw off everything for me. We all dealt with our grief in our own ways, and my method of choice was to isolate myself. I stopped hanging out with my friends, I stopped going to campus activities, and I pretty much stayed within the walls of my dorm room. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to talk to people, and socialization was difficult for me to do. My grades suffered, and it took a lot of effort to keep them up. This past semester was rough, and it made me realize a lot of things.
I already told you that I'm quitting my computer science major, so this should be nothing new. I'm still getting a minor, so I will still be working for YWiC, but I am not taking any computer science classes next semester. I'm hopeful that I will do well in these classes, and that it will help my GPA. I really need to keep my scholarship.
This post is going in all kinds of directions, so I'll just sign off here.
So long for now!
I hope you've been good. My life has been hectic and a little stressful, but I'm in a good place emotionally.
Wondering what's with the title of this post? Well, I have officially come full circle; This summer I am a YWiC Camp Instructor. Seven years ago, I was a middle school girl discovering the wonders of Scratch and PicoCricket. Today, I am teaching high school girls the intricacies of LilyPad Arduino. I am in the place of my role models and friends, and I have no idea how to feel about it.
It feels daunting, this responsibility I have for these girls's learning. I am responsible for their learning, and part of me doubts that I'm good enough at teaching. But it's been two days and the high school girls love LilyPad, and I have had no complaints. I only hope the middle school camps will be the same.
In case any of you are wondering, I passed all of my classes! I wasn't so sure I would. When Grandpa died, it threw off everything for me. We all dealt with our grief in our own ways, and my method of choice was to isolate myself. I stopped hanging out with my friends, I stopped going to campus activities, and I pretty much stayed within the walls of my dorm room. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to talk to people, and socialization was difficult for me to do. My grades suffered, and it took a lot of effort to keep them up. This past semester was rough, and it made me realize a lot of things.
I already told you that I'm quitting my computer science major, so this should be nothing new. I'm still getting a minor, so I will still be working for YWiC, but I am not taking any computer science classes next semester. I'm hopeful that I will do well in these classes, and that it will help my GPA. I really need to keep my scholarship.
This post is going in all kinds of directions, so I'll just sign off here.
So long for now!
Sunday, April 9, 2017
Expectations
Hey there, Interwebers. It's been a while, huh?
So lots of things have happened since I last wrote. Too many for me to recount, so I'm just gonna tell you what's been on my mind today.
You ever have a plan and nothing about that plan reaches completion? *Insert Corpse Bride gif*
Yeah, that's how I feel right now.
Let's start at the beginning. In the fall of 2009, I joined an after school club that was hosted by YWiC. Ever since then, I've been involved in almost all of their programs and events. I've attended every summer, whether as a camper or an assistant. And it was through this program that I fell in love with computer science.
And it is now, in the spring of 2017, that I'm deciding to leave Computer Science as a major. It's not because of a class, but that certainly played a role. No, I just don't love CS the way I used to. I haven't officially changed my major yet, so let's see how that goes.
You are all probably wondering what happened for me to seemingly give up on something that has been the core of my life for the past seven years. Well, to start, I'm not giving it up completely. I still plan on earning a minor in Computer Science, I like it well enough to continue to integrate it with my Sociology major, and I know it will make me more marketable. It's just that I don't want my sole focus to be on computer science.
I guess what really happened is that I finally got to take a real sociology class. I've always been interested in people on a whole. For years, I have wondered what makes things popular, why certain groups of people think the way they do, and how one person can influence a slew of others. But there were never any classes that I could take to learn about it. So when I found YWiC and computer science, and realized that I'm pretty good at it, I latched on. I wanted to know that I had a secure career path, and CS seemed like the best.
Well, I was wrong. I've had doubts for the past two years, but these past two semesters have shown me that I don't want to focus on computer science for the rest of my life. I didn't enjoy most of the CS classes I took, and really the only reason I like my Object Oriented Programming class is because I really like the teacher. That, and it's not too difficult. I have an A in that class, but I had a B+ in one and currently have a C in the other. Meanwhile, I have A's in my sociology and English classes.
You might be wondering if I'm downgrading because Sociology and English are "easy" and I do well in them. My friend Leah certainly did. I had a lengthy conversation with her about why I'm not staying with CS. I know it's a huge shock, especially after the years that I've spent telling everyone and anyone that this is what I want to do, but honestly it's been a long time coming. I have always been good at English and analysis. I'm great at looking at an issue from all sides, unless it comes to math. I can write stories and essays and reflections with ease, because words come easily to me. Programming doesn't anymore. And considering my scholarship, I can't afford to not do well in these classes. And honestly, I don't want to be struggling in whatever field I'm in. I know it will be difficult, but I don't want to be in CS if I'm struggling through all of the classes. I don't want to be confused all the times. I don't want to dread going to class or lab.
What I want is to find interest in what I'm studying. I want to understand what I'm being taught. I want to have the desire to learn more about my field of study. I want to be so excited about what I'm doing, and I feel that with Sociology. I felt that with my English class. I don't know if I will add a Creative Writing minor, but I'm considering it. I really like writing, and I want to take classes where I can hone my skills.
I guess this post is my confession to all of you. There are people who I haven't been in contact with in a while and I feel bad about it, so I'm getting this out there in the hopes that some of them see it. These past couple of months have been hard on me, and I did become depressed. It was difficult to balance my work with my schooling, and doing poorly in my machine programming class made it hard for me to function.
I want to be better, but I can't do that when I'm constantly feeling like shit. I don't want to be crushed by the expectations of others that I have held over myself. I want to do what I love and be good at it too. I hope to get around to talking to the people I care about, and I hope to reconnect with people who mean a lot to me. Let's hope I can get my shit together enough to carry this out.
So long for now.
So lots of things have happened since I last wrote. Too many for me to recount, so I'm just gonna tell you what's been on my mind today.
You ever have a plan and nothing about that plan reaches completion? *Insert Corpse Bride gif*
Yeah, that's how I feel right now.
Let's start at the beginning. In the fall of 2009, I joined an after school club that was hosted by YWiC. Ever since then, I've been involved in almost all of their programs and events. I've attended every summer, whether as a camper or an assistant. And it was through this program that I fell in love with computer science.
And it is now, in the spring of 2017, that I'm deciding to leave Computer Science as a major. It's not because of a class, but that certainly played a role. No, I just don't love CS the way I used to. I haven't officially changed my major yet, so let's see how that goes.
You are all probably wondering what happened for me to seemingly give up on something that has been the core of my life for the past seven years. Well, to start, I'm not giving it up completely. I still plan on earning a minor in Computer Science, I like it well enough to continue to integrate it with my Sociology major, and I know it will make me more marketable. It's just that I don't want my sole focus to be on computer science.
I guess what really happened is that I finally got to take a real sociology class. I've always been interested in people on a whole. For years, I have wondered what makes things popular, why certain groups of people think the way they do, and how one person can influence a slew of others. But there were never any classes that I could take to learn about it. So when I found YWiC and computer science, and realized that I'm pretty good at it, I latched on. I wanted to know that I had a secure career path, and CS seemed like the best.
Well, I was wrong. I've had doubts for the past two years, but these past two semesters have shown me that I don't want to focus on computer science for the rest of my life. I didn't enjoy most of the CS classes I took, and really the only reason I like my Object Oriented Programming class is because I really like the teacher. That, and it's not too difficult. I have an A in that class, but I had a B+ in one and currently have a C in the other. Meanwhile, I have A's in my sociology and English classes.
You might be wondering if I'm downgrading because Sociology and English are "easy" and I do well in them. My friend Leah certainly did. I had a lengthy conversation with her about why I'm not staying with CS. I know it's a huge shock, especially after the years that I've spent telling everyone and anyone that this is what I want to do, but honestly it's been a long time coming. I have always been good at English and analysis. I'm great at looking at an issue from all sides, unless it comes to math. I can write stories and essays and reflections with ease, because words come easily to me. Programming doesn't anymore. And considering my scholarship, I can't afford to not do well in these classes. And honestly, I don't want to be struggling in whatever field I'm in. I know it will be difficult, but I don't want to be in CS if I'm struggling through all of the classes. I don't want to be confused all the times. I don't want to dread going to class or lab.
What I want is to find interest in what I'm studying. I want to understand what I'm being taught. I want to have the desire to learn more about my field of study. I want to be so excited about what I'm doing, and I feel that with Sociology. I felt that with my English class. I don't know if I will add a Creative Writing minor, but I'm considering it. I really like writing, and I want to take classes where I can hone my skills.
I guess this post is my confession to all of you. There are people who I haven't been in contact with in a while and I feel bad about it, so I'm getting this out there in the hopes that some of them see it. These past couple of months have been hard on me, and I did become depressed. It was difficult to balance my work with my schooling, and doing poorly in my machine programming class made it hard for me to function.
I want to be better, but I can't do that when I'm constantly feeling like shit. I don't want to be crushed by the expectations of others that I have held over myself. I want to do what I love and be good at it too. I hope to get around to talking to the people I care about, and I hope to reconnect with people who mean a lot to me. Let's hope I can get my shit together enough to carry this out.
So long for now.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
The Circle of Life
Hey, Interwebers.
Remember my last post? About my grandpa? Well, a lot has changed since that post.
None of my feelings about him have changed, but I guess I'm more forgiving. And god, does this make me seem heartless. I honestly don't know how to feel at this moment and none of you guys know what I'm rambling on about but I'm sure a few of you have an idea so I'm just going to say it.
My grandpa died last Wednesday early in the morning.
It was a hard day. He stopped responding Monday night so my brother told Ari and I to go see him on Tuesday. He seemed to be getting better, but the doctors kept talking like he wouldn't last long. I decided not to go to my evening class because I wasn't sure what would happen. I completely forgot about the YWiC meeting I had to go to, so I called Sasha to explain what was happening, but I still didn't believe what the doctors were saying. We got there at 3:30 and didn't leave until 9. My mom was crying a lot of the time, and my uncle David had tears in his eyes. It was hard to watch.
About two hours after we got home and an hour after my mom got home, she got a call from her brother Juan to go to the hospital. Grandpa had stopped breathing a few times and they didn't think he had much time. Mom left at 11:30 and we got a text soon thereafter that they were taking Grandpa off the bi-pap (which was keeping him alive). Not an hour later and he was gone. My brother drove my dad, Ari, and me to the hospital to go be with our family. There were 19 people in a 10x10 room to pray for the man responsible for nearly all of us. We prayed the rosary for him and talked about him and our memories and just remembered him. None of us had dry eyes.
We didn't go back home until 3:30 in the morning. I passed out on my bed and slept until 9 the next day. When I woke up, it felt like the night before was just a bad dream. Then I saw my mom crying and I knew it was real. It's been hard to reconcile with that fact the past few days. Logically, I know that he's gone, but I can't accept it until the services tomorrow. My heart won't let me. I haven't let myself properly grieve. We keep talking about him in the past tense but I haven't had a surge of memories strong enough for me to cry it all out. Granted, I had short bursts on Wednesday afternoon, but I can't seem to cry anymore. Writing this post had brought up more emotions than being at home have.
Maybe it's that he was almost 86. He didn't die suddenly. He wasn't young. He didn't seem in pain. And really, it wasn't that much of a surprise. So maybe that's why I don't feel so hurt. I feel pain for my mom and her siblings, though. They're orphans now, if we want to be technical. I wasn't alive when my mom's mom died from cancer, but I've heard about how bad it was for her. I haven't seen her cry a lot since Grandpa died, so I think she's handling this death better. She's definitely better this time around than she was with Luis. I think it's for the reasons mentioned above. We're all gonna cry tomorrow, but afterwards I think we'll be fine. We'll remember him and we'll talk about him but it won't feel like someone ripped a hole into each of our hearts.
Instead, it will feel like a part of us is missing, a part that can never be replaced, but that can be filled with love and memories. And that's how I will choose to respond to this. It's the first time I've lost someone this close to me, so it will take some adjustments, but I don't want to be dragged down by the grief. So I will remember and I will love, and maybe someday soon we will all heal.
So long for now.
Remember my last post? About my grandpa? Well, a lot has changed since that post.
None of my feelings about him have changed, but I guess I'm more forgiving. And god, does this make me seem heartless. I honestly don't know how to feel at this moment and none of you guys know what I'm rambling on about but I'm sure a few of you have an idea so I'm just going to say it.
My grandpa died last Wednesday early in the morning.
It was a hard day. He stopped responding Monday night so my brother told Ari and I to go see him on Tuesday. He seemed to be getting better, but the doctors kept talking like he wouldn't last long. I decided not to go to my evening class because I wasn't sure what would happen. I completely forgot about the YWiC meeting I had to go to, so I called Sasha to explain what was happening, but I still didn't believe what the doctors were saying. We got there at 3:30 and didn't leave until 9. My mom was crying a lot of the time, and my uncle David had tears in his eyes. It was hard to watch.
About two hours after we got home and an hour after my mom got home, she got a call from her brother Juan to go to the hospital. Grandpa had stopped breathing a few times and they didn't think he had much time. Mom left at 11:30 and we got a text soon thereafter that they were taking Grandpa off the bi-pap (which was keeping him alive). Not an hour later and he was gone. My brother drove my dad, Ari, and me to the hospital to go be with our family. There were 19 people in a 10x10 room to pray for the man responsible for nearly all of us. We prayed the rosary for him and talked about him and our memories and just remembered him. None of us had dry eyes.
We didn't go back home until 3:30 in the morning. I passed out on my bed and slept until 9 the next day. When I woke up, it felt like the night before was just a bad dream. Then I saw my mom crying and I knew it was real. It's been hard to reconcile with that fact the past few days. Logically, I know that he's gone, but I can't accept it until the services tomorrow. My heart won't let me. I haven't let myself properly grieve. We keep talking about him in the past tense but I haven't had a surge of memories strong enough for me to cry it all out. Granted, I had short bursts on Wednesday afternoon, but I can't seem to cry anymore. Writing this post had brought up more emotions than being at home have.
Maybe it's that he was almost 86. He didn't die suddenly. He wasn't young. He didn't seem in pain. And really, it wasn't that much of a surprise. So maybe that's why I don't feel so hurt. I feel pain for my mom and her siblings, though. They're orphans now, if we want to be technical. I wasn't alive when my mom's mom died from cancer, but I've heard about how bad it was for her. I haven't seen her cry a lot since Grandpa died, so I think she's handling this death better. She's definitely better this time around than she was with Luis. I think it's for the reasons mentioned above. We're all gonna cry tomorrow, but afterwards I think we'll be fine. We'll remember him and we'll talk about him but it won't feel like someone ripped a hole into each of our hearts.
Instead, it will feel like a part of us is missing, a part that can never be replaced, but that can be filled with love and memories. And that's how I will choose to respond to this. It's the first time I've lost someone this close to me, so it will take some adjustments, but I don't want to be dragged down by the grief. So I will remember and I will love, and maybe someday soon we will all heal.
So long for now.
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Swing of Things
Hey there, Interwebers.It's been a while, huh?
Don't worry, I'm alive. And doing much better than I was over the holidays.
First things first, I did find my wallet! It was at Karim's house, so that was a bummer. I could have sworn I didn't take it over, but apparently my memory is fickle. Mom got mad at me, though, so I replaced my debit card and student ID before finding my wallet again. The ID was easy, but my debit card didn't come in within 10 days, so I canceled that one and got a replacement one yesterday. Which, let me tell you, has been so amazing. I hate having other people pay for me, but it did make me realize just how much I spend. I'm trying to curb that.
The last few weeks at home were hell. I had missed my family, but I didn't miss being able to have peace and quiet. Ari knows that sometimes I need to be isolated in a quiet and dark place sometimes, and they respect that. Sometimes they need that too. It works well for us because neither of us talk much in the morning, and we leave the other alone when they are in a bad mood. Plus, we have a system of getting the other something they like to eat when they're down. It's like a peace offering, except better.
So that was missing at home. I come from a Mexican family, so we're all loud, which makes morning difficult. I like being alone in the morning with minimal to no sound. At home, that's impossible. It didn't help that I let myself sleep in until noon every day that didn't require me up at an earlier hour. So it was partially my fault. But the mornings I did have to wake up early were awful. My grandpa also had to stay with us a few days a week, and that was a whole other nightmare.
My grandpa has been in and out of doctor's offices for the last year and three months. Most of it is his fault. He refuses to listen to my mom or doctors who agree with her, and ends up getting sick. He had to be admitted last Wednesday because he wasn't taking care of himself. It's been difficult for my mom to deal with. He gives her such bad anxiety, and her blood pressure has been through the roof. I understand just how stressed she is, but she hasn't been handling it well at all.
My mom is a complicated person. She didn't get to live the life she wanted, so she tried living vicariously through us, which means an interesting mix of independence, freedom, and obedience. I get it, I know that she has her reasons. And hey, we all turned out better than our cousins, so she did a lot of things right. But in the last four years, she's been making the mistake of taking her frustration and grief out on us.
When my godmother died of cancer, she was apathetic and depressed. So she belittled us sometimes. She made rude comments about our friends. She never said anything overtly mean, but it hurt all the same. When Luis died of cancer, she was shaken. She was angry. She was betrayed. He could have gotten better, but he decided to give up. He stopped eating and he couldn't do the chemo treatment. His family made him think he got cancer because he was gay, so by the time he died, he repented and disavowed his queerness. They made him believe he was a sinner and got him back into the church, yet they had the audacity to say they supported his way of life. She did all she could, and she was by his side the entire journey. So for him to listen to them and not her? It killed her a little bit inside. And then his family didn't want to give my mom things he left her, which caused a huge rift. She had a hard time dealing with it, so she was more snappish. She yelled a lot more. She cried more. It was heartbreaking, so I forgave her. It hurt like hell, though, every time she would look at me like I had two heads whenever I would say anything to reference my lesbianism.
Things got better. For a year and a half, no one died. No one got seriously hurt. But then my grandpa got sick. Suddenly we all got very comfortable at the hospital. I saw my family more in that time than I ever had in the years before. We saw each other every month, and during this past summer, we held more parties at my house than we had ever before. My mom had to convert my brother's old room into a guest bedroom where my grandpa could sleep when he stayed with us. With that came strain we didn't know. Before, there was grief. We were all dealing with loss. This time, we had to deal with prolonged illness with no definite timetable. My grandpa is incredibly selfish, and seems to expect my mom to wait on him hand and foot. It's killing her to have to deal with him, so she releases her frustration on us. It gets hard, sometimes. This break was hard because she seemed to target me specifically.
I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, and I know we butt heads a lot, but it feels more and more painful the longer it goes on. We have full-on yelling matches sometimes. I get mad and she gets mad and then we both end up yelling. I hate it. I try to help out, but sometimes I can be vindictive. Sometimes I want to defy her because I finally had a taste of freedom and respect, and I come home to my mom trying to control everything. Granted, she did let us use the car whenever, and we got to sleep in. It wasn't all bad. But there was a constant tension. I don't think anyone else felt it, but the tension between us was palpable to me. Some days were really good. Some days were really bad. It depended on our moods. Plus, I was sick, so she was getting mad at me out of fear. But that doesn't excuse it all.
I guess the point of this post is to get out my frustration. I'm very happy to be back at the dorms, but I feel conflicted. I feel bad for being happy to be out of the house. I feel like I should miss it. I miss certain parts, but I relish in the freedom I have here. Mom got better about me being gay, but I still had to hide it at home. Watching One Day at a Time on Netflix helped me to get over that for the most part, though. I realize that her whole idea of me changed. I know that the future she planned for me is shattered. I know that she's afraid for me, and that we won't have a strong bond. I just hope that one day we can actually talk about it. One day I want to have a healthy relationship with my mother, but I have no idea when that day will come.
Well that was heavy and angsty. Sorry. I just needed to get my thoughts out. Don't think my mom is a bad mother. She's great, but she has her flaws. Who doesn't? I certainly don't claim to be anywhere close to perfect. Everyone has their issues, and we can only exist in peace is we make an effort to understand that no one is above it. We all have pain, and that pain is valid.
With those somewhat uplifting words, I leave you.
So long for now.
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