Expectations

Hey there, Interwebers. It's been a while, huh?

So lots of things have happened since I last wrote. Too many for me to recount, so I'm just gonna tell you what's been on my mind today.

You ever have a plan and nothing about that plan reaches completion? *Insert Corpse Bride gif*

Yeah, that's how I feel right now.

Let's start at the beginning. In the fall of 2009, I joined an after school club that was hosted by YWiC. Ever since then, I've been involved in almost all of their programs and events. I've attended every summer, whether as a camper or an assistant. And it was through this program that I fell in love with computer science.

And it is now, in the spring of 2017, that I'm deciding to leave Computer Science as a major. It's not because of a class, but that certainly played a role. No, I just don't love CS the way I used to. I haven't officially changed my major yet, so let's see how that goes.

You are all probably wondering what happened for me to seemingly give up on something that has been the core of my life for the past seven years. Well, to start, I'm not giving it up completely. I still plan on earning a minor in Computer Science, I like it well enough to continue to integrate it with my Sociology major, and I know it will make me more marketable. It's just that I don't want my sole focus to be on computer science.

I guess what really happened is that I finally got to take a real sociology class. I've always been interested in people on a whole. For years, I have wondered what makes things popular, why certain groups of people think the way they do, and how one person can influence a slew of others. But there were never any classes that I could take to learn about it. So when I found YWiC and computer science, and realized that I'm pretty good at it, I latched on. I wanted to know that I had a secure career path, and CS seemed like the best.

Well, I was wrong. I've had doubts for the past two years, but these past two semesters have shown me that I don't want to focus on computer science for the rest of my life. I didn't enjoy most of the CS classes I took, and really the only reason I like my Object Oriented Programming class is because I really like the teacher. That, and it's not too difficult. I have an A in that class, but I had a B+ in one and currently have a C in the other. Meanwhile, I have A's in my sociology and English classes.

You might be wondering if I'm downgrading because Sociology and English are "easy" and I do well in them. My friend Leah certainly did. I had a lengthy conversation with her about why I'm not staying with CS. I know it's a huge shock, especially after the years that I've spent telling everyone and anyone that this is what I want to do, but honestly it's been a long time coming. I have always been good at English and analysis. I'm great at looking at an issue from all sides, unless it comes to math. I can write stories and essays and reflections with ease, because words come easily to me. Programming doesn't anymore. And considering my scholarship, I can't afford to not do well in these classes. And honestly, I don't want to be struggling in whatever field I'm in. I know it will be difficult, but I don't want to be in CS if I'm struggling through all of the classes. I don't want to be confused all the times. I don't want to dread going to class or lab.

What I want is to find interest in what I'm studying. I want to understand what I'm being taught. I want to have the desire to learn more about my field of study. I want to be so excited about what I'm doing, and I feel that with Sociology. I felt that with my English class. I don't know if I will add a Creative Writing minor, but I'm considering it. I really like writing, and I want to take classes where I can hone my skills.

I guess this post is my confession to all of you. There are people who I haven't been in contact with in a while and I feel bad about it, so I'm getting this out there in the hopes that some of them see it. These past couple of months have been hard on me, and I did become depressed. It was difficult to balance my work with my schooling, and doing poorly in my machine programming class made it hard for me to function.

I want to be better, but I can't do that when I'm constantly feeling like shit. I don't want to be crushed by the expectations of others that I have held over myself. I want to do what I love and be good at it too. I hope to get around to talking to the people I care about, and I hope to reconnect with people who mean a lot to me. Let's hope I can get my shit together enough to carry this out.

So long for now.