Out of Body

I often wonder what others think of me. It's not for any self-conscious reason, I'm just interested in my outward perception. It's interesting to me to think about what the world sees. Everyone has a mask, but sometimes people only see what they want to see, what makes sense.

I guess this fascination began because of my family situation. I was born 19 years after my oldest sister. Ari and I were surprise babies, and my sister was often confused as our mother. It only got worse as we got older.

I became aware of the mis-perception at an early age, maybe six or seven.My dad used to take Ari and me to Home Depot and Lowe's to do the building workshops, and sometimes my siblings would take us when he was busy. There were many times when they would ask my sister if she was our mom, or ask my brother if he was our dad. They were mortified, and that got me thinking. Everyone assumes they're my parents, and that my actual parents are my grandparents. I could understand how they could think that my parents were my grandparents, but what drove them to think that my siblings were in a romantic relationship and old enough to have kids our age? My sister, sure. But my brother is only 11 years older than me. It is physically impossible that he could be a dad at that age. He didn't go through puberty until later.

From then on, our family learned how to deal with the incorrect views others have of us. Ari and I got  used to saying, "Brother!" whenever we saw out brother, so that way others would know he was our brother and not some creep predator. And he got used to subtly letting waiters and the like that we all shared a mom so that way they wouldn't think up something totally incorrect. It just became normal, but I still like to think about it. I especially enjoy reminding my brother that I'm old enough that people assume we're dating when it's just us at the mall. He always scoffs and rolls his eyes but I know he knows I'm right.

Once I started thinking about this, I started thinking about how others perceive me. I know that I only let people see what I want them to see, but I wonder how much of that is because I've grown up always having to show exactly who I am to the people surrounding me. Sometimes I'm disappointed in what others are able to see.People assume that I'm nice and intelligent and naive and innocent. Anyone who actually knows me can tell you that I'm nice sometimes, but I can also be mean or harsh, that I can be stupid or dumb about something, that I have an understanding of the world, and that I am far from innocent. I am so much more than what people see. And if that's true for me, isn't that true for everyone?

Sometimes I wonder if it's beneficial for me to hide so easily. I have to get comfortable before I let down any of my walls, but does that really help me in the long run? I have a lot of people that know me, know of me, and people I've had a class with, but there are only a few who have seen the real me, and most of them have only seen glimpses. I have a very select group of people who actually know the real me. I personally prefer that, but it means that my general perception by society conflicts with who I actually am.

This was a lot of words for the ramblings of a teenager getting closer to adulthood (legally). So I guess this is it for today. So long for now!