Hello, my dear Interwebers
I absolutely detest breaks. In anything really, but especially in routines. It's been getting worse as I've gotten older, and I hate how much I rely on school to give me a set routine. This past winter break has been one of the most difficult ones for me so far and it's been bothering me.
The root cause of this is my need to be doing something. I don't like being idle. Maybe for a few days, but this winter break is just over a month long. Not having set plans nearly everyday has made my life more complicated and empty at the same time. I'm trapped in an endless cycle of uncertainty and I absolutley hate it. Add to it my relationship with Jenny and things get increasingly more complicated.
Don't get me wrong, Jenny and I are great. She's more than willing to put up with my bullshit and anxiety and depression, and she does her best to help me through it. But Not getting to see her everyday is taking it's toll. I don't get that constant reassurance that I had during the semester. And I can't get the level of affection I had from anyone else. It's put a bit of strain on our relationship because my anxiety acts up during breaks from school and she's the easiest target. When it gets really bad, my mind tells me that Jenny doesn't love me the way I do her, that she doesn't miss me, that I'm not enough for her. And when my depression sets in, it starts telling me that I don't love her, simply because the feelings I have for her are unlike any I've felt before.
I've already discussed all of this with my therapist, but It's been a few days since I saw him and I need to get it out again. Jenny will do little things that wouldn't bother me if she was a friend, but do because she's my girlfriend and because they trigger my anxiety. Like, she'll take a while to respond after seeing a message, or she'll just send back emojis. It shouldn't bother me, but in my fragile mental state, it does. It didn't bother me before, but this break was extremely difficult for me.
Moving out definitely didn't help anything. I know I needed to get out from under my mom's control, but I chose the wrong time to leave. I should have moved out earlier, so that was the stress of Christmas wasn't compounding it. I think that's really what set me off. I felt very alone those first few days, and part of me felt like the get together I threw at my new place was a bust. Mom was stressing me out and having Jenny sleep over made the stress worse.
But I look at Jenny, cuddled up close to me, and I realize just how much I love her. I hold her even tighter and it occurs to me that I never want to let her go. Sure, some little things annoy me, but at the end of it all she's my person. She loves me and I love her. We are both willing to make things work, no matter how difficult things may seem. These trivial things don't matter, and neither do the dark thoughts that plague my head.
EDIT: I wrote this almost a month ago and forgot about it, but I still want to post it. Since writing this, I have improved mentally. I still have occasional flare ups where my anxiety gets the better of me, but Jenny started staying over on weekends so that helped tremendously. Things are getting better in general, though we both have had our bad days recently. Regardless, I'm looking forward to this next semester.
So long for now!
