Hey there, inter-viewers!
So I started college this past Wednesday and it was the first time in a while that I felt anxiety bubble up. It was interesting for me to feel that after a relatively easy summer. Sure, I had work drama, and I didn't really feel valued by some of my coworkers, but I didn't feel stressed, and my anxiety was very low.
I didn't really feel anxious about packing up and moving out, but I did get very annoyed when we moved in to our dorm room. My mom and dad were very stressed about it and they started setting things up without asking Ari and I what we wanted. My brother was a great buffer, because he knew that we were getting agitated. My sister kept quiet, but would offer some advice. They were both great. My parents, however, were micromanaging us. It sucked so much. I know that they were freaking out and having minor separation anxiety, but seriously! They kept moving things around and organizing our things! It took a while before they started to realize that we were upset. I tried really hard to stop my irritation, but I didn't quite succeed. Add to that the awful check-in process, and I was just not in the mood to deal with my parents. I know, I know, I should be grateful, but I really don't like when people move my things or organize my room without my consent. I have a system, and that system is very different from my Mom's.
Anywho. Other things.
So I didn't start feeling anxious until the day before class. I was freaking out about going to class, because I had no idea what to expect. I felt very good after my first day of class, but my anxiety didn't go away.
I think part of that comes from fear. I'm terrified that I'm going to fall out of love with computer science. I know that I love programming, but my favorite class already is Sociology, even though it's a general intro class. Maybe it's because my CS teacher is a woman? I have no idea. It could be that there aren't very many girls and I feel intimidated. Or it could just be that I've finally had a real taste at what sociology is. Even though it's a lecture class, my sociology professor engages us and has a conversation with us instead of talking at us. It's great. But it makes me fear for my major.
Wow. This post got a little heavy. Oh well.
I don't know why, but major life changes seem to coincide with new relationships for me. I kinda hate it, but it is what it is. Anywho, so I met this girl. Well, person. I guess I should explain how. So after Jazmyne broke up with me, I decided to get the Her app. It's an app for queer women and it connects us together. It also has a list of local events and relevant articles. My brother calls it Lesbian Tinder because that's what some women use it for. You can chat with other queer women, and like their profiles. So around the end of July, I got a notification that someone liked my profile. I didn't think much of it, so I liked her profile as well. She's beautiful, but lives more than 200 miles away, so i didn't think anything would happen. Well then she messaged me! I've messaged a few girls over the app, but most of them were my friends, and the rest only gave me one word responses. I was actually really close to deleting the app. I decided to message her back just to see. And from there things took off.
Her name is Tati and she's gorgeous and very smart. With the other girls I messaged, I usually dumbed myself down if I didn't know them, but I was tired of that, so I decided to just be myself and see where that went. Well, turns out she's also very smart and artistic and very interesting. It's only really been a month, but already we've had a lot of great conversations. After two weeks, she told me that I'm "really cute" and that she would "really like to be" my girlfriend. But she lives in Santa Fe. I freaked out and told her to give me a night to think about it. I told her that we should get to know each other more and meet in person before we become anything more than friends. And that's what I wanted. I just wanted a queer friend, but the more we talked, the more I found myself being drawn in. But I can't base a relationship on written words. I can't fall in love with messages.
When I fall in love, I fall in love with the mannerisms. I fall in love with how she laughs, how she talks, how she phrases words. I fall in love with her voice, with how she sings, with the way she moves her hands. If I'm going to fall in love with her, I need to see the way her eyes light up when she's excited, or ignite when she's impassioned. I need to learn the intonation and inflection of her voice, and figure out what words she uses with each emotion she's feeling. I can't fall in love with Tati until I've known her in these ways.
I seem to focus on romance a lot in my life. Part of me feels that I'm justified in my obsession with romance, but another part feels that I'm stupid for wanting to try to be something with Tati. I probably won't meet her in person for a few months, but after we've met a few times, I would really like to put a label on what we are, and I don't really want it to be "friends." I don't know if this will amount to anything, but I hope it will. I guess I'll continue with my obsession, but I hope you all can forgive me for that.
Whelp. I guess that's it. So long for now!
