Confidence

I know those are regular Skittles, but it
was the only gif I could find

Hello, Internet Dwellers!

Today is National Sour Candy day, and I'm so excited. I love sour candy.

Anywho, on to the point of this post.

Today is Dapper Day at the YWiC camps, so i decided to wear a white button up with slacks, and my amazing Batman suspenders. I love these things. Ari bought them for me at our last trip to the mall. I feel pretty great in them, but part of me still worries that I don't look good in them. I know I'm lacking in confidence at the moment in regards to my body because of the weight I've gained over the last three months. It's nothing too extreme, and I'm still considered healthy, but I'm just not satisfied with my body. I know that I should be working out and eating better, but some days it's so hard to even stay awake longer that the eight hours I work nearly every day.

This lack of satisfaction with my body isn't uncommon, but I remember a time when I relished gaining weight. I was always a small child, and constantly sick. I didn't break 100 lbs until the eighth grade. I was happy being above 100 lbs because it meant that I was normal. But then I started gaining a lot of weight. Between my sophomore year and my junior year, I gained about ten pounds, It didn't bother me, though, as I was filling out. But during the summer before my senior year, I gained about ten more. Now, ever since I was a sophomore, my mom has mentioned to me her concerns about my weight gain. She told me that she was worried I would "Balloon." I didn't let it affect me too much until I noticed that most of my clothes didn't fit. My mom even took me shopping for larger clothing. I hated it. I hated that I wasn't "Skinny" anymore.

No one could really tell, but Ari admitted to me that I was gaining a lot of weight. I wasn't happy with myself. But then I got a girlfriend and I suddenly started losing weight. Of course, there were other factors involved. Namely, the fact that my grandpa was hospitalized and had to have a portion of his intestine removed. It was a rough time for all of us, and that Thanksgiving has gone down as the worst one I have experience thus far. It was awful. All the stress of having my grandpa in the hospital and scholarship deadlines was too much for me, so I stopped eating. I would eat every now and then, but it wasn't consistent. I was eating maybe once or twice a day. I never went a day without food, but I rarely ate three meals, let alone enough to feel full. I just didn't feel like eating. I lost ten pounds that week. My friends noticed I wasn't eating, and were concerned. I just learned how to hide it better.

Throughout the duration of my relationship with Jazmyne, I maintained a weight of 117. Towards the end of it, I lost about three more pounds. Jazmyne was smaller than me, but at that point she weighed more than I did. For some strange reason, I was happy with that fact. After we broke up and I graduated, I started gaining the weight back. I believe that my stress was the contributing factor to my weight loss. I don't eat when I'm stressed, and having a turbulent relationship and getting ready to finish high school certainly put a lot of stress on me. Once that stress was gone, I had no excuse to not eat. I'm not happy with my weight, but at least it's not as bad as it was last September. I am consciously making the decision to exercise and I'm trying to eat healthy in an effort to lose weight in a healthy way. I don't want to starve myself. I don't want to drop ten pounds in five days like I have in the past.

This was highly personal, so I hope you know how important this all is to me. I have had issues with my body for the last seven years if I'm being honest. At first, it was for my lack of cleavage, simply because I was called a boy and made fun of for my small boobs during middle school. Now, I'm self-conscious about that and my waistline. I also have stretch marks from the rapid growth of my hips sophomore year. My body isn't perfect, and in my worst moments, I hate it. I've had people tell me my body is fine, and two girls have actually called it desirable. But words will do little for my own image of myself. It will take me years to be happy with how I look, and I just wish people would understand that. It's a process. Up until two years ago, I hated myself. I now like myself, and in some moments, I even love myself. Personality wise, that is.

I may never be perfectly satisfied with my body. It may take me years to find myself desirable. I may never be happy with how I look. But maybe someday I can find someone who makes me believe that I am beautiful to her. Maybe someday I'll find a girl who makes me believe that I can be loved for everything, and not just my personality. But until then, I will be working on loving myself. After all, I can't be happy with someone if I'm not happy with myself first.

So long for now, inter-dwellers. Sorry for the heavy post.