Full Circle

How are you, Interwebers?

I hope you've been good. My life has been hectic and a little stressful, but I'm in a good place emotionally.

Wondering what's with the title of this post? Well, I have officially come full circle; This summer I am a YWiC Camp Instructor. Seven years ago, I was a middle school girl discovering the wonders of Scratch and PicoCricket. Today, I am teaching high school girls the intricacies of LilyPad Arduino. I am in the place of my role models and friends, and I have no idea how to feel about it.

It feels daunting, this responsibility I have for these girls's learning. I am responsible for their learning, and part of me doubts that I'm good enough at teaching. But it's been two days and the high school girls love LilyPad, and I have had no complaints. I only hope the middle school camps will be the same.

In case any of you are wondering, I passed all of my classes! I wasn't so sure I would. When Grandpa died, it threw off everything for me. We all dealt with our grief in our own ways, and my method of choice was to isolate myself. I stopped hanging out with my friends, I stopped going to campus activities, and I pretty much stayed within the walls of my dorm room. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to talk to people, and socialization was difficult for me to do. My grades suffered, and it took a lot of effort to keep them up. This past semester was rough, and it made me realize a lot of things.

I already told you that I'm quitting my computer science major, so this should be nothing new. I'm still getting a minor, so I will still be working for YWiC, but I am not taking any computer science classes next semester. I'm hopeful that I will do well in these classes, and that it will help my GPA. I really need to keep my scholarship.

This post is going in all kinds of directions, so I'll just sign off here.

So long for now!

Expectations

Hey there, Interwebers. It's been a while, huh?

So lots of things have happened since I last wrote. Too many for me to recount, so I'm just gonna tell you what's been on my mind today.

You ever have a plan and nothing about that plan reaches completion? *Insert Corpse Bride gif*

Yeah, that's how I feel right now.

Let's start at the beginning. In the fall of 2009, I joined an after school club that was hosted by YWiC. Ever since then, I've been involved in almost all of their programs and events. I've attended every summer, whether as a camper or an assistant. And it was through this program that I fell in love with computer science.

And it is now, in the spring of 2017, that I'm deciding to leave Computer Science as a major. It's not because of a class, but that certainly played a role. No, I just don't love CS the way I used to. I haven't officially changed my major yet, so let's see how that goes.

You are all probably wondering what happened for me to seemingly give up on something that has been the core of my life for the past seven years. Well, to start, I'm not giving it up completely. I still plan on earning a minor in Computer Science, I like it well enough to continue to integrate it with my Sociology major, and I know it will make me more marketable. It's just that I don't want my sole focus to be on computer science.

I guess what really happened is that I finally got to take a real sociology class. I've always been interested in people on a whole. For years, I have wondered what makes things popular, why certain groups of people think the way they do, and how one person can influence a slew of others. But there were never any classes that I could take to learn about it. So when I found YWiC and computer science, and realized that I'm pretty good at it, I latched on. I wanted to know that I had a secure career path, and CS seemed like the best.

Well, I was wrong. I've had doubts for the past two years, but these past two semesters have shown me that I don't want to focus on computer science for the rest of my life. I didn't enjoy most of the CS classes I took, and really the only reason I like my Object Oriented Programming class is because I really like the teacher. That, and it's not too difficult. I have an A in that class, but I had a B+ in one and currently have a C in the other. Meanwhile, I have A's in my sociology and English classes.

You might be wondering if I'm downgrading because Sociology and English are "easy" and I do well in them. My friend Leah certainly did. I had a lengthy conversation with her about why I'm not staying with CS. I know it's a huge shock, especially after the years that I've spent telling everyone and anyone that this is what I want to do, but honestly it's been a long time coming. I have always been good at English and analysis. I'm great at looking at an issue from all sides, unless it comes to math. I can write stories and essays and reflections with ease, because words come easily to me. Programming doesn't anymore. And considering my scholarship, I can't afford to not do well in these classes. And honestly, I don't want to be struggling in whatever field I'm in. I know it will be difficult, but I don't want to be in CS if I'm struggling through all of the classes. I don't want to be confused all the times. I don't want to dread going to class or lab.

What I want is to find interest in what I'm studying. I want to understand what I'm being taught. I want to have the desire to learn more about my field of study. I want to be so excited about what I'm doing, and I feel that with Sociology. I felt that with my English class. I don't know if I will add a Creative Writing minor, but I'm considering it. I really like writing, and I want to take classes where I can hone my skills.

I guess this post is my confession to all of you. There are people who I haven't been in contact with in a while and I feel bad about it, so I'm getting this out there in the hopes that some of them see it. These past couple of months have been hard on me, and I did become depressed. It was difficult to balance my work with my schooling, and doing poorly in my machine programming class made it hard for me to function.

I want to be better, but I can't do that when I'm constantly feeling like shit. I don't want to be crushed by the expectations of others that I have held over myself. I want to do what I love and be good at it too. I hope to get around to talking to the people I care about, and I hope to reconnect with people who mean a lot to me. Let's hope I can get my shit together enough to carry this out.

So long for now.

The Circle of Life

Hey, Interwebers.

Remember my last post? About my grandpa? Well, a lot has changed since that post.

None of my feelings about him have changed, but I guess I'm more forgiving. And god, does this make me seem heartless. I honestly don't know how to feel at this moment and none of you guys know what I'm rambling on about but I'm sure a few of you have an idea so I'm just going to say it.

My grandpa died last Wednesday early in the morning.

It was a hard day. He stopped responding Monday night so my brother told Ari and I to go see him on Tuesday. He seemed to be getting better, but the doctors kept talking like he wouldn't last long. I decided not to go to my evening class because I wasn't sure what would happen. I completely forgot about the YWiC meeting I had to go to, so I called Sasha to explain what was happening, but I still didn't believe what the doctors were saying. We got there at 3:30 and didn't leave until 9. My mom was crying a lot of the time, and my uncle David had tears in his eyes. It was hard to watch.

About two hours after we got home and an hour after my mom got home, she got a call from her brother Juan to go to the hospital. Grandpa had stopped breathing a few times and they didn't think he had much time. Mom left at 11:30 and we got a text soon thereafter that they were taking Grandpa off the bi-pap (which was keeping him alive). Not an hour later and he was gone. My brother drove my dad, Ari, and me to the hospital to go be with our family. There were 19 people in a 10x10 room to pray for the man responsible for nearly all of us. We prayed the rosary for him and talked about him and our memories and just remembered him. None of us had dry eyes.

We didn't go back home until 3:30 in the morning. I passed out on my bed and slept until 9 the next day. When I woke up, it felt like the night before was just a bad dream. Then I saw my mom crying and I knew it was real. It's been hard to reconcile with that fact the past few days. Logically, I know that he's gone, but I can't accept it until the services tomorrow. My heart won't let me. I haven't let myself properly grieve. We keep talking about him in the past tense but I haven't had a surge of memories strong enough for me to cry it all out. Granted, I had short bursts on Wednesday afternoon, but I can't seem to cry anymore. Writing this post had brought up more emotions than being at home have.

Maybe it's that he was almost 86. He didn't die suddenly. He wasn't young. He didn't seem in pain. And really, it wasn't that much of a surprise. So maybe that's why I don't feel so hurt. I feel pain for my mom and her siblings, though. They're orphans now, if we want to be technical. I wasn't alive when my mom's mom died from cancer, but I've heard about how bad it was for her. I haven't seen her cry a lot since Grandpa died, so I think she's handling this death better. She's definitely better this time around than she was with Luis. I think it's for the reasons mentioned above. We're all gonna cry tomorrow, but afterwards I think we'll be fine. We'll remember him and we'll talk about him but it won't feel like someone ripped a hole into each of our hearts.

Instead, it will feel like a part of us is missing, a part that can never be replaced, but that can be filled with love and memories. And that's how I will choose to respond to this. It's the first time I've lost someone this close to me, so it will take some adjustments, but I don't want to be dragged down by the grief. So I will remember and I will love, and maybe someday soon we will all heal.

So long for now.

Swing of Things

Hey there, Interwebers.

It's been a while, huh?

Don't worry, I'm alive. And doing much better than I was over the holidays.

First things first, I did find my wallet! It was at Karim's house, so that was a bummer. I could have sworn I didn't take it over, but apparently my memory is fickle. Mom got mad at me, though, so I replaced my debit card and student ID before finding my wallet again. The ID was easy, but my debit card didn't come in within 10 days, so I canceled that one and got a replacement one yesterday. Which, let me tell you, has been so amazing. I hate having other people pay for me, but it did make me realize just how much I spend. I'm trying to curb that.

The last few weeks at home were hell. I had missed my family, but I didn't miss being able to have peace and quiet. Ari knows that sometimes I need to be isolated in a quiet and dark place sometimes, and they respect that. Sometimes they need that too. It works well for us because neither of us talk much in the morning, and we leave the other alone when they are in a bad mood. Plus, we have a system of getting the other something they like to eat when they're down. It's like a peace offering, except better.

So that was missing at home. I come from a Mexican family, so we're all loud, which makes morning difficult. I like being alone in the morning with minimal to no sound. At home, that's impossible. It didn't help that I let myself sleep in until noon every day that didn't require me up at an earlier hour. So it was partially my fault. But the mornings I did have to wake up early were awful. My grandpa also had to stay with us a few days a week, and that was a whole other nightmare.

My grandpa has been in and out of doctor's offices for the last year and three months. Most of it is his fault. He refuses to listen to my mom or doctors who agree with her, and ends up getting sick. He had to be admitted last Wednesday because he wasn't taking care of himself. It's been difficult for my mom to deal with. He gives her such bad anxiety, and her blood pressure has been through the roof. I understand just how stressed she is, but she hasn't been handling it well at all.

My mom is a complicated person. She didn't get to live the life she wanted, so she tried living vicariously through us, which means an interesting mix of independence, freedom, and obedience. I get it, I know that she has her reasons. And hey, we all turned out better than our cousins, so she did a lot of things right. But in the last four years, she's been making the mistake of taking her frustration and grief out on us.

When my godmother died of cancer, she was apathetic and depressed. So she belittled us sometimes. She made rude comments about our friends. She never said anything overtly mean, but it hurt all the same. When Luis died of cancer, she was shaken. She was angry. She was betrayed. He could have gotten better, but he decided to give up. He stopped eating and he couldn't do the chemo treatment. His family made him think he got cancer because he was gay, so by the time he died, he repented and disavowed his queerness. They made him believe he was a sinner and got him back into the church, yet they had the audacity to say they supported his way of life. She did all she could, and she was by his side the entire journey. So for him to listen to them and not her? It killed her a little bit inside. And then his family didn't want to give my mom things he left her, which caused a huge rift. She had a hard time dealing with it, so she was more snappish. She yelled a lot more. She cried more. It was heartbreaking, so I forgave her. It hurt like hell, though, every time she would look at me like I had two heads whenever I would say anything to reference my lesbianism. 

Things got better. For a year and a half, no one died. No one got seriously hurt. But then my grandpa got sick. Suddenly we all got very comfortable at the hospital. I saw my family more in that time than I ever had in the years before. We saw each other every month, and during this past summer, we held more parties at my house than we had ever before. My mom had to convert my brother's old room into a guest bedroom where my grandpa could sleep when he stayed with us. With that came strain we didn't know. Before, there was grief. We were all dealing with loss. This time, we had to deal with prolonged illness with no definite timetable. My grandpa is incredibly selfish, and seems to expect my mom to wait on him hand and foot. It's killing her to have to deal with him, so she releases her frustration on us. It gets hard, sometimes. This break was hard because she seemed to target me specifically.

 I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, and I know we butt heads a lot, but it feels more and more painful the longer it goes on. We have full-on yelling matches sometimes. I get mad and she gets mad and then we both end up yelling. I hate it. I try to help out, but sometimes I can be vindictive. Sometimes I want to defy her because I finally had a taste of freedom and respect, and I come home to my mom trying to control everything. Granted, she did let us use the car whenever, and we got to sleep in. It wasn't all bad. But there was a constant tension. I don't think anyone else felt it, but the tension between us was palpable to me. Some days were really good. Some days were really bad. It depended on our moods. Plus, I was sick, so she was getting mad at me out of fear. But that doesn't excuse it all.

I guess the point of this post is to get out my frustration. I'm very happy to be back at the dorms, but I feel conflicted. I feel bad for being happy to be out of the house. I feel like I should miss it. I miss certain parts, but I relish in the freedom I have here. Mom got better about me being gay, but I still had to hide it at home. Watching One Day at a Time on Netflix helped me to get over that for the most part, though. I realize that her whole idea of me changed. I know that the future she planned for me is shattered. I know that she's afraid for me, and that we won't have a strong bond. I just hope that one day we can actually talk about it. One day I want to have a healthy relationship with my mother, but I have no idea when that day will come.

Well that was heavy and angsty. Sorry. I just needed to get my thoughts out. Don't think my mom is a bad mother. She's great, but she has her flaws. Who doesn't? I certainly don't claim to be anywhere close to perfect. Everyone has their issues, and we can only exist in peace is we make an effort to understand that no one is above it. We all have pain, and that pain is valid.

With those somewhat uplifting words, I leave you.

So long for now.

Happy Holigays Pt 2

 ***Written on 1/4/17 but I forgot to post***

How's it going, Interwebers?

Today sucks.

Since the last post, things have gone a bit south. Not too much, but I'm feeling frustrated. The first thing I should mention is that I lost my wallet last week and still haven't found it. Well, I've been searching for it for the last four days except for today because I was so tired and weak (I'll explain why further in the post), and my mom got upset with me because tomorrow is trash day and she was adamant that it could have fallen in the trash. She kept telling me all the things that I would need my wallet for and was practically begging me to look through the trash. I got so frustrated that I went outside in just my Batman onsie and running shoes and searched through the trash. I looked through four garbage bags, and I thanked God the entire time that my nose is stuffed up because otherwise I'm sure I would have thrown up.

It wasn't there.

I stormed in and took off my onesie and washed my hands and arms and I just felt like crying. There was this small hope that it would be there, but it wasn't. Just like I told my mom. I feel so frustrated, because I'm no closer to finding my wallet than I was before I looked through the trash. I know I need my wallet. I know that I would need to replace my driver's license, debit card, and student ID. Why can't they just leave me alone? I'm looking for it. It's not like I'm just lazing around waiting for my wallet to appear out of thin air. Well, except for today, but that was for a different reason. 

Which brings me to why I was tired and weak today. So I've basically been sick since the week right after thanksgiving. First I developed something similar to strep, so I got put on heavy duty antibiotics for ten days. I was sick for a week by the time I finally went to the doctor, so I was on those antibiotics during finals week. Well, I finished them by the middle of December and my mom decided to go to Phoenix to visit my niece. Who was sick at the time. You get where I'm going with this?

So my niece got me sick again, and it's taken from the third week of December until now for me to start getting better. I didn't go to the doctor because it didn't seem all that bad. I had a persistent cough, but my throat wasn't sore and I wasn't coughing up anything. My nose also never got runny or stuffy. I just kept coughing. It was worse at night, so every morning my mom would bug me about going to the doctor. I didn't listen until after the new year because that's when I developed congestion in my sinuses. I hate sinus infections, so I conceded going to the doctor so I could avoid that. Yesterday was my first round of pills, which is why I felt so drained today. I just couldn't find the energy to find my wallet today.

So yeah. My wallet is missing, I'm still sick but getting better, and my mom is upset with me. I get that she's terrified I'm going to die. I know that this is all probably triggering her, but I just wish she wouldn't take out her frustration on me. She makes me feel like it's my fault for staying sick. I know I should have gotten treated sooner, but the more she told me to go, the more I didn't want to. Sigh.

I guess that's it. So long for now.

Happy Holigays Pt I

Happy what-day-is-it-and-what-do-I-do-until-New-Years Interwebers!

So the last post was full of angst. Sorry for that. Being home for the holigays has been stressful on my psyche. I love my family, and I love being home, but sometimes they are overbearing and it sucks. Plus, I can't really vent to them because they immediately want to know how I plan on fixing the problem. Sometimes, I just want to complain. Which is why I turn to this.

Anywho, Christmas was great, which kinda surprised me. I had a good Thanksgiving and Christmas, which hasn't happened in a few years. Last year, Thanksgiving sucked because my grandpa was in the hospital. The Christmas the year before sucked because my mom's cousin was starting to give up and stopped eating, which meant he couldn't continue chemo. So the fact that both holidays were great this year kinda shocked me. I got what I wanted, and everyone was satisfied with their gifts. My mom wasn't upset, and we all had a good time.

I guess the reason for my sour mood is the fact that I'm sick. It's not even being sick that's the problem, it's the way my family is reacting that's bothering me. My mom keeps nagging me to go to the doctor, and they won't leave me alone about what I wear. My brother keeps telling me I should just listen so that I can get better. I want to get better, but their constant disapproval of what I'm doing is just making me upset. I hate being monitored around the clock. I know I should go to the doctor's, but I hate going. I never really liked the doctor before, but now it just fills me with anxiety and I'm not entirely sure why. Part of me feels guilty for not going, especially because I have friends who are worried that I've been sick for a while. I even have a friend on tumblr who yelled at me for not going to the doctor's. That was a trip, let me tell you.

Another reason I'm not of the best mindset is because my food intake is being monitored by my brother. He wants me to eat healthy foods, but his main thing is that I have to eat protein every time I eat something. I can't go to the kitchen without him asking me where my protein is. It's so aggravating that I've just stopped eating unless he's in his room. I'm not starving myself, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong, even though I'm not. It's aggravating.

Whelp. This was also kinda angsty, but at least it wasn't as bad as last time. My brother is coming home today, so I guess that's a plus. I just finished cleaning my gun in case he decides to take us shooting. Which brings up another story!

So I made a friend on tumblr who lives in England, where guns are illegal. I wasn't sure about this fact, and I was also distracted when I told her that I had to clean my gun. Let me tell you, that was not a fun conversation to have. It freaked her out that I own a gun, especially because I'm younger than she is. I didn't realize how socialized I was to think owning a gun is normal. Hell, most of my friends have shot a gun before. A few even own guns! So I didn't think it was that big of a thing. But she went off on me, telling me that she can count the number of guns she has seen on one hand, and that she can't understand US gun laws, and that the one of the major factors keeping her from moving to the US for her dance career is the fact that pretty much anyone can own a gun. I made the mistake of telling her that there are four guns in my house alone, and that's just the one I know of. So yeah. She's more confused and freaked out than mad at me, which is good. I'm just not going to mention guns ever to her.

I guess that's it for today. So long for now!

Catching Up

Hey there, Interwebers!

So it's been a while, huh? At the request of my friend, I'm going to start blogging again.

Let's see how this goes.

Where to begin? I guess I can pick up where I left off, which was my feelings of isolation. Well, they haven't really gone away. Sometimes, it feels like I'm not part of YWiC at all. When Daniella assigned our rolls at the beginning of the semester (before she left), she put me on all the workshops and after school groups that weren't directly YWiC-related. So I was working the Teen Tech workshops at the downtown mall, mentoring for Supercomputing, and working the CS4HS workshops. I worked one of the middle school workshops when Elena and Angela had to leave for a conference, but I still didn't feel connected. It didn't help that I didn't spend much time in the office. I was in there maybe two hours a week because I only had one class in Science Hall, didn't feel comfortable being in an enclosed space with at least three other YWiC members at a time, and I liked working in my dorm as opposed to the office. At least there I had a desk.

So yeah. I didn't mesh with the other girls. I didn't feel like a part of YWiC. It was even worse when I was left alone with a group of students. With Teen Tech, so few showed up that it was usually just Becca, me, and one other person. Marissa was also a mentor for a Supercomputing team but she didn't show up for meetings and she had no idea what her team was doing. Meanwhile, I have three teams I've managed, four if you count one group who only shows up for the important meetings, and all of them submitted their Interim Reports. Three teams! And she wanted to ask Becca if she could stop being a mentor because it was "too much!"

I guess she has valid points. She is a senior and she's working on her senior project. But she didn't even try to monitor her team. She just expected me to handle them. At least Sasha started helping me run the meetings. I don't like being all by myself because I'm terrified that I'm going to fuck something up. Sasha helped me just by being there.

What else has happened? Well, I met a queer girl in my English class, she added me on Facebook, and we talked for a little bit before I made things awkward. I tried to join clubs but I had little motivation to do things besides homework and reading. I went through a spell of depression that hasn't fully gone away, but I'm working on it. I'm trying to keep myself from falling into a rut, but it's hard when I'm questioning my entire life.

What exactly am I questioning? A lot of stuff. Namely, what I'm doing with my life. This semester, the class I enjoyed the most was my English class. I loved the writing assignments, and I had one of the highest grades. After that was sociology. Intro to Data Structures was probably my least favorite class. I didn't hate it, but nothing seemed to click. I struggled so much in that class. Java has never been my strong suit, but because I was surrounded by people who seemed to get it, I felt like a failure. Especially because Ari understood it so easily. (I would like to point out, though, that I scored only four points less than them on the final exam and I was loopy on antibiotics and cold medicine at the time.) I had a bad case of Imposter Syndrome, and it hasn't left me. I keep questioning what I really want to do with my life. I love programming and doing cool stuff with technology, but writing has always been a passion of mine. And then there's sociology! I just don't know what to do. Everyone in my life has expectations of me that I'm not sure I'll ever meet. My mom was talking to Ari about computer science, and she was worried about how I would do in the field. I don't think she thinks I can do it. She's not worried about Ari, apparently. She even told Ari that to their face. But whatever.

I guess I'm just going through what a lot of college students do; I'm figuring out who I am and what I want to dedicate my life to. It's hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in expectations and most days I can't break the surface to breathe. I'm pulled under a wave of anxiety, the feeling filling my chest and clutching at my lungs. Nothing has ever been so terrifying to me. This is the first time in my life that I can captain my own ship, and I can't help but worry that I'm going to end up shipwrecked somewhere.

I want to make people proud, but I don't know how to do that. Ari is soaring and I barely feel like I can fly. I'm just worried that I won't be able to succeed at life. People tell me not to worry about it, and that I'll find out what I want to do later, but I don't do well without a plan.

God, I feel like I did when I first realized I like girls. I've spent years telling myself one thing only to find myself questioning it. I convinced myself that I would become a computer scientist, but suddenly I'm not so sure. And this can either turn out like my coming out, where I decide that I don't want to do anything in computer science, or I could decide that I just want to minor in computer science. I know that I'll always have something attached to computer science, because my interests include more than just coding.

Well that was a lot of angst. I guess that's it for now. I'll post soon about how my holigays went!
(No, that wasn't a typo)

So long for now!