Hey, Interwebers.
Remember my last post? About my grandpa? Well, a lot has changed since that post.
None of my feelings about him have changed, but I guess I'm more forgiving. And god, does this make me seem heartless. I honestly don't know how to feel at this moment and none of you guys know what I'm rambling on about but I'm sure a few of you have an idea so I'm just going to say it.
My grandpa died last Wednesday early in the morning.
It was a hard day. He stopped responding Monday night so my brother told Ari and I to go see him on Tuesday. He seemed to be getting better, but the doctors kept talking like he wouldn't last long. I decided not to go to my evening class because I wasn't sure what would happen. I completely forgot about the YWiC meeting I had to go to, so I called Sasha to explain what was happening, but I still didn't believe what the doctors were saying. We got there at 3:30 and didn't leave until 9. My mom was crying a lot of the time, and my uncle David had tears in his eyes. It was hard to watch.
About two hours after we got home and an hour after my mom got home, she got a call from her brother Juan to go to the hospital. Grandpa had stopped breathing a few times and they didn't think he had much time. Mom left at 11:30 and we got a text soon thereafter that they were taking Grandpa off the bi-pap (which was keeping him alive). Not an hour later and he was gone. My brother drove my dad, Ari, and me to the hospital to go be with our family. There were 19 people in a 10x10 room to pray for the man responsible for nearly all of us. We prayed the rosary for him and talked about him and our memories and just remembered him. None of us had dry eyes.
We didn't go back home until 3:30 in the morning. I passed out on my bed and slept until 9 the next day. When I woke up, it felt like the night before was just a bad dream. Then I saw my mom crying and I knew it was real. It's been hard to reconcile with that fact the past few days. Logically, I know that he's gone, but I can't accept it until the services tomorrow. My heart won't let me. I haven't let myself properly grieve. We keep talking about him in the past tense but I haven't had a surge of memories strong enough for me to cry it all out. Granted, I had short bursts on Wednesday afternoon, but I can't seem to cry anymore. Writing this post had brought up more emotions than being at home have.
Maybe it's that he was almost 86. He didn't die suddenly. He wasn't young. He didn't seem in pain. And really, it wasn't that much of a surprise. So maybe that's why I don't feel so hurt. I feel pain for my mom and her siblings, though. They're orphans now, if we want to be technical. I wasn't alive when my mom's mom died from cancer, but I've heard about how bad it was for her. I haven't seen her cry a lot since Grandpa died, so I think she's handling this death better. She's definitely better this time around than she was with Luis. I think it's for the reasons mentioned above. We're all gonna cry tomorrow, but afterwards I think we'll be fine. We'll remember him and we'll talk about him but it won't feel like someone ripped a hole into each of our hearts.
Instead, it will feel like a part of us is missing, a part that can never be replaced, but that can be filled with love and memories. And that's how I will choose to respond to this. It's the first time I've lost someone this close to me, so it will take some adjustments, but I don't want to be dragged down by the grief. So I will remember and I will love, and maybe someday soon we will all heal.
So long for now.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Swing of Things
Hey there, Interwebers.It's been a while, huh?
Don't worry, I'm alive. And doing much better than I was over the holidays.
First things first, I did find my wallet! It was at Karim's house, so that was a bummer. I could have sworn I didn't take it over, but apparently my memory is fickle. Mom got mad at me, though, so I replaced my debit card and student ID before finding my wallet again. The ID was easy, but my debit card didn't come in within 10 days, so I canceled that one and got a replacement one yesterday. Which, let me tell you, has been so amazing. I hate having other people pay for me, but it did make me realize just how much I spend. I'm trying to curb that.
The last few weeks at home were hell. I had missed my family, but I didn't miss being able to have peace and quiet. Ari knows that sometimes I need to be isolated in a quiet and dark place sometimes, and they respect that. Sometimes they need that too. It works well for us because neither of us talk much in the morning, and we leave the other alone when they are in a bad mood. Plus, we have a system of getting the other something they like to eat when they're down. It's like a peace offering, except better.
So that was missing at home. I come from a Mexican family, so we're all loud, which makes morning difficult. I like being alone in the morning with minimal to no sound. At home, that's impossible. It didn't help that I let myself sleep in until noon every day that didn't require me up at an earlier hour. So it was partially my fault. But the mornings I did have to wake up early were awful. My grandpa also had to stay with us a few days a week, and that was a whole other nightmare.
My grandpa has been in and out of doctor's offices for the last year and three months. Most of it is his fault. He refuses to listen to my mom or doctors who agree with her, and ends up getting sick. He had to be admitted last Wednesday because he wasn't taking care of himself. It's been difficult for my mom to deal with. He gives her such bad anxiety, and her blood pressure has been through the roof. I understand just how stressed she is, but she hasn't been handling it well at all.
My mom is a complicated person. She didn't get to live the life she wanted, so she tried living vicariously through us, which means an interesting mix of independence, freedom, and obedience. I get it, I know that she has her reasons. And hey, we all turned out better than our cousins, so she did a lot of things right. But in the last four years, she's been making the mistake of taking her frustration and grief out on us.
When my godmother died of cancer, she was apathetic and depressed. So she belittled us sometimes. She made rude comments about our friends. She never said anything overtly mean, but it hurt all the same. When Luis died of cancer, she was shaken. She was angry. She was betrayed. He could have gotten better, but he decided to give up. He stopped eating and he couldn't do the chemo treatment. His family made him think he got cancer because he was gay, so by the time he died, he repented and disavowed his queerness. They made him believe he was a sinner and got him back into the church, yet they had the audacity to say they supported his way of life. She did all she could, and she was by his side the entire journey. So for him to listen to them and not her? It killed her a little bit inside. And then his family didn't want to give my mom things he left her, which caused a huge rift. She had a hard time dealing with it, so she was more snappish. She yelled a lot more. She cried more. It was heartbreaking, so I forgave her. It hurt like hell, though, every time she would look at me like I had two heads whenever I would say anything to reference my lesbianism.
Things got better. For a year and a half, no one died. No one got seriously hurt. But then my grandpa got sick. Suddenly we all got very comfortable at the hospital. I saw my family more in that time than I ever had in the years before. We saw each other every month, and during this past summer, we held more parties at my house than we had ever before. My mom had to convert my brother's old room into a guest bedroom where my grandpa could sleep when he stayed with us. With that came strain we didn't know. Before, there was grief. We were all dealing with loss. This time, we had to deal with prolonged illness with no definite timetable. My grandpa is incredibly selfish, and seems to expect my mom to wait on him hand and foot. It's killing her to have to deal with him, so she releases her frustration on us. It gets hard, sometimes. This break was hard because she seemed to target me specifically.
I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, and I know we butt heads a lot, but it feels more and more painful the longer it goes on. We have full-on yelling matches sometimes. I get mad and she gets mad and then we both end up yelling. I hate it. I try to help out, but sometimes I can be vindictive. Sometimes I want to defy her because I finally had a taste of freedom and respect, and I come home to my mom trying to control everything. Granted, she did let us use the car whenever, and we got to sleep in. It wasn't all bad. But there was a constant tension. I don't think anyone else felt it, but the tension between us was palpable to me. Some days were really good. Some days were really bad. It depended on our moods. Plus, I was sick, so she was getting mad at me out of fear. But that doesn't excuse it all.
I guess the point of this post is to get out my frustration. I'm very happy to be back at the dorms, but I feel conflicted. I feel bad for being happy to be out of the house. I feel like I should miss it. I miss certain parts, but I relish in the freedom I have here. Mom got better about me being gay, but I still had to hide it at home. Watching One Day at a Time on Netflix helped me to get over that for the most part, though. I realize that her whole idea of me changed. I know that the future she planned for me is shattered. I know that she's afraid for me, and that we won't have a strong bond. I just hope that one day we can actually talk about it. One day I want to have a healthy relationship with my mother, but I have no idea when that day will come.
Well that was heavy and angsty. Sorry. I just needed to get my thoughts out. Don't think my mom is a bad mother. She's great, but she has her flaws. Who doesn't? I certainly don't claim to be anywhere close to perfect. Everyone has their issues, and we can only exist in peace is we make an effort to understand that no one is above it. We all have pain, and that pain is valid.
With those somewhat uplifting words, I leave you.
So long for now.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Happy Holigays Pt 2
***Written on 1/4/17 but I forgot to post***
How's it going, Interwebers?
Today sucks.
Since the last post, things have gone a bit south. Not too much, but I'm feeling frustrated. The first thing I should mention is that I lost my wallet last week and still haven't found it. Well, I've been searching for it for the last four days except for today because I was so tired and weak (I'll explain why further in the post), and my mom got upset with me because tomorrow is trash day and she was adamant that it could have fallen in the trash. She kept telling me all the things that I would need my wallet for and was practically begging me to look through the trash. I got so frustrated that I went outside in just my Batman onsie and running shoes and searched through the trash. I looked through four garbage bags, and I thanked God the entire time that my nose is stuffed up because otherwise I'm sure I would have thrown up.
It wasn't there.
I stormed in and took off my onesie and washed my hands and arms and I just felt like crying. There was this small hope that it would be there, but it wasn't. Just like I told my mom. I feel so frustrated, because I'm no closer to finding my wallet than I was before I looked through the trash. I know I need my wallet. I know that I would need to replace my driver's license, debit card, and student ID. Why can't they just leave me alone? I'm looking for it. It's not like I'm just lazing around waiting for my wallet to appear out of thin air. Well, except for today, but that was for a different reason.
Which brings me to why I was tired and weak today. So I've basically been sick since the week right after thanksgiving. First I developed something similar to strep, so I got put on heavy duty antibiotics for ten days. I was sick for a week by the time I finally went to the doctor, so I was on those antibiotics during finals week. Well, I finished them by the middle of December and my mom decided to go to Phoenix to visit my niece. Who was sick at the time. You get where I'm going with this?
So my niece got me sick again, and it's taken from the third week of December until now for me to start getting better. I didn't go to the doctor because it didn't seem all that bad. I had a persistent cough, but my throat wasn't sore and I wasn't coughing up anything. My nose also never got runny or stuffy. I just kept coughing. It was worse at night, so every morning my mom would bug me about going to the doctor. I didn't listen until after the new year because that's when I developed congestion in my sinuses. I hate sinus infections, so I conceded going to the doctor so I could avoid that. Yesterday was my first round of pills, which is why I felt so drained today. I just couldn't find the energy to find my wallet today.
So yeah. My wallet is missing, I'm still sick but getting better, and my mom is upset with me. I get that she's terrified I'm going to die. I know that this is all probably triggering her, but I just wish she wouldn't take out her frustration on me. She makes me feel like it's my fault for staying sick. I know I should have gotten treated sooner, but the more she told me to go, the more I didn't want to. Sigh.
I guess that's it. So long for now.
How's it going, Interwebers?
Today sucks.
Since the last post, things have gone a bit south. Not too much, but I'm feeling frustrated. The first thing I should mention is that I lost my wallet last week and still haven't found it. Well, I've been searching for it for the last four days except for today because I was so tired and weak (I'll explain why further in the post), and my mom got upset with me because tomorrow is trash day and she was adamant that it could have fallen in the trash. She kept telling me all the things that I would need my wallet for and was practically begging me to look through the trash. I got so frustrated that I went outside in just my Batman onsie and running shoes and searched through the trash. I looked through four garbage bags, and I thanked God the entire time that my nose is stuffed up because otherwise I'm sure I would have thrown up.
It wasn't there.
I stormed in and took off my onesie and washed my hands and arms and I just felt like crying. There was this small hope that it would be there, but it wasn't. Just like I told my mom. I feel so frustrated, because I'm no closer to finding my wallet than I was before I looked through the trash. I know I need my wallet. I know that I would need to replace my driver's license, debit card, and student ID. Why can't they just leave me alone? I'm looking for it. It's not like I'm just lazing around waiting for my wallet to appear out of thin air. Well, except for today, but that was for a different reason.
Which brings me to why I was tired and weak today. So I've basically been sick since the week right after thanksgiving. First I developed something similar to strep, so I got put on heavy duty antibiotics for ten days. I was sick for a week by the time I finally went to the doctor, so I was on those antibiotics during finals week. Well, I finished them by the middle of December and my mom decided to go to Phoenix to visit my niece. Who was sick at the time. You get where I'm going with this?
So my niece got me sick again, and it's taken from the third week of December until now for me to start getting better. I didn't go to the doctor because it didn't seem all that bad. I had a persistent cough, but my throat wasn't sore and I wasn't coughing up anything. My nose also never got runny or stuffy. I just kept coughing. It was worse at night, so every morning my mom would bug me about going to the doctor. I didn't listen until after the new year because that's when I developed congestion in my sinuses. I hate sinus infections, so I conceded going to the doctor so I could avoid that. Yesterday was my first round of pills, which is why I felt so drained today. I just couldn't find the energy to find my wallet today.
So yeah. My wallet is missing, I'm still sick but getting better, and my mom is upset with me. I get that she's terrified I'm going to die. I know that this is all probably triggering her, but I just wish she wouldn't take out her frustration on me. She makes me feel like it's my fault for staying sick. I know I should have gotten treated sooner, but the more she told me to go, the more I didn't want to. Sigh.
I guess that's it. So long for now.
Friday, December 30, 2016
Happy Holigays Pt I
Happy what-day-is-it-and-what-do-I-do-until-New-Years Interwebers!
So the last post was full of angst. Sorry for that. Being home for the holigays has been stressful on my psyche. I love my family, and I love being home, but sometimes they are overbearing and it sucks. Plus, I can't really vent to them because they immediately want to know how I plan on fixing the problem. Sometimes, I just want to complain. Which is why I turn to this.
Anywho, Christmas was great, which kinda surprised me. I had a good Thanksgiving and Christmas, which hasn't happened in a few years. Last year, Thanksgiving sucked because my grandpa was in the hospital. The Christmas the year before sucked because my mom's cousin was starting to give up and stopped eating, which meant he couldn't continue chemo. So the fact that both holidays were great this year kinda shocked me. I got what I wanted, and everyone was satisfied with their gifts. My mom wasn't upset, and we all had a good time.
I guess the reason for my sour mood is the fact that I'm sick. It's not even being sick that's the problem, it's the way my family is reacting that's bothering me. My mom keeps nagging me to go to the doctor, and they won't leave me alone about what I wear. My brother keeps telling me I should just listen so that I can get better. I want to get better, but their constant disapproval of what I'm doing is just making me upset. I hate being monitored around the clock. I know I should go to the doctor's, but I hate going. I never really liked the doctor before, but now it just fills me with anxiety and I'm not entirely sure why. Part of me feels guilty for not going, especially because I have friends who are worried that I've been sick for a while. I even have a friend on tumblr who yelled at me for not going to the doctor's. That was a trip, let me tell you.
Another reason I'm not of the best mindset is because my food intake is being monitored by my brother. He wants me to eat healthy foods, but his main thing is that I have to eat protein every time I eat something. I can't go to the kitchen without him asking me where my protein is. It's so aggravating that I've just stopped eating unless he's in his room. I'm not starving myself, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong, even though I'm not. It's aggravating.
Whelp. This was also kinda angsty, but at least it wasn't as bad as last time. My brother is coming home today, so I guess that's a plus. I just finished cleaning my gun in case he decides to take us shooting. Which brings up another story!
So I made a friend on tumblr who lives in England, where guns are illegal. I wasn't sure about this fact, and I was also distracted when I told her that I had to clean my gun. Let me tell you, that was not a fun conversation to have. It freaked her out that I own a gun, especially because I'm younger than she is. I didn't realize how socialized I was to think owning a gun is normal. Hell, most of my friends have shot a gun before. A few even own guns! So I didn't think it was that big of a thing. But she went off on me, telling me that she can count the number of guns she has seen on one hand, and that she can't understand US gun laws, and that the one of the major factors keeping her from moving to the US for her dance career is the fact that pretty much anyone can own a gun. I made the mistake of telling her that there are four guns in my house alone, and that's just the one I know of. So yeah. She's more confused and freaked out than mad at me, which is good. I'm just not going to mention guns ever to her.
I guess that's it for today. So long for now!
So the last post was full of angst. Sorry for that. Being home for the holigays has been stressful on my psyche. I love my family, and I love being home, but sometimes they are overbearing and it sucks. Plus, I can't really vent to them because they immediately want to know how I plan on fixing the problem. Sometimes, I just want to complain. Which is why I turn to this.
Anywho, Christmas was great, which kinda surprised me. I had a good Thanksgiving and Christmas, which hasn't happened in a few years. Last year, Thanksgiving sucked because my grandpa was in the hospital. The Christmas the year before sucked because my mom's cousin was starting to give up and stopped eating, which meant he couldn't continue chemo. So the fact that both holidays were great this year kinda shocked me. I got what I wanted, and everyone was satisfied with their gifts. My mom wasn't upset, and we all had a good time.
I guess the reason for my sour mood is the fact that I'm sick. It's not even being sick that's the problem, it's the way my family is reacting that's bothering me. My mom keeps nagging me to go to the doctor, and they won't leave me alone about what I wear. My brother keeps telling me I should just listen so that I can get better. I want to get better, but their constant disapproval of what I'm doing is just making me upset. I hate being monitored around the clock. I know I should go to the doctor's, but I hate going. I never really liked the doctor before, but now it just fills me with anxiety and I'm not entirely sure why. Part of me feels guilty for not going, especially because I have friends who are worried that I've been sick for a while. I even have a friend on tumblr who yelled at me for not going to the doctor's. That was a trip, let me tell you.
Another reason I'm not of the best mindset is because my food intake is being monitored by my brother. He wants me to eat healthy foods, but his main thing is that I have to eat protein every time I eat something. I can't go to the kitchen without him asking me where my protein is. It's so aggravating that I've just stopped eating unless he's in his room. I'm not starving myself, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong, even though I'm not. It's aggravating.
Whelp. This was also kinda angsty, but at least it wasn't as bad as last time. My brother is coming home today, so I guess that's a plus. I just finished cleaning my gun in case he decides to take us shooting. Which brings up another story!
So I made a friend on tumblr who lives in England, where guns are illegal. I wasn't sure about this fact, and I was also distracted when I told her that I had to clean my gun. Let me tell you, that was not a fun conversation to have. It freaked her out that I own a gun, especially because I'm younger than she is. I didn't realize how socialized I was to think owning a gun is normal. Hell, most of my friends have shot a gun before. A few even own guns! So I didn't think it was that big of a thing. But she went off on me, telling me that she can count the number of guns she has seen on one hand, and that she can't understand US gun laws, and that the one of the major factors keeping her from moving to the US for her dance career is the fact that pretty much anyone can own a gun. I made the mistake of telling her that there are four guns in my house alone, and that's just the one I know of. So yeah. She's more confused and freaked out than mad at me, which is good. I'm just not going to mention guns ever to her.
I guess that's it for today. So long for now!
Friday, December 23, 2016
Catching Up
Hey there, Interwebers!
So it's been a while, huh? At the request of my friend, I'm going to start blogging again.
Let's see how this goes.
Where to begin? I guess I can pick up where I left off, which was my feelings of isolation. Well, they haven't really gone away. Sometimes, it feels like I'm not part of YWiC at all. When Daniella assigned our rolls at the beginning of the semester (before she left), she put me on all the workshops and after school groups that weren't directly YWiC-related. So I was working the Teen Tech workshops at the downtown mall, mentoring for Supercomputing, and working the CS4HS workshops. I worked one of the middle school workshops when Elena and Angela had to leave for a conference, but I still didn't feel connected. It didn't help that I didn't spend much time in the office. I was in there maybe two hours a week because I only had one class in Science Hall, didn't feel comfortable being in an enclosed space with at least three other YWiC members at a time, and I liked working in my dorm as opposed to the office. At least there I had a desk.
So yeah. I didn't mesh with the other girls. I didn't feel like a part of YWiC. It was even worse when I was left alone with a group of students. With Teen Tech, so few showed up that it was usually just Becca, me, and one other person. Marissa was also a mentor for a Supercomputing team but she didn't show up for meetings and she had no idea what her team was doing. Meanwhile, I have three teams I've managed, four if you count one group who only shows up for the important meetings, and all of them submitted their Interim Reports. Three teams! And she wanted to ask Becca if she could stop being a mentor because it was "too much!"
I guess she has valid points. She is a senior and she's working on her senior project. But she didn't even try to monitor her team. She just expected me to handle them. At least Sasha started helping me run the meetings. I don't like being all by myself because I'm terrified that I'm going to fuck something up. Sasha helped me just by being there.
What else has happened? Well, I met a queer girl in my English class, she added me on Facebook, and we talked for a little bit before I made things awkward. I tried to join clubs but I had little motivation to do things besides homework and reading. I went through a spell of depression that hasn't fully gone away, but I'm working on it. I'm trying to keep myself from falling into a rut, but it's hard when I'm questioning my entire life.
What exactly am I questioning? A lot of stuff. Namely, what I'm doing with my life. This semester, the class I enjoyed the most was my English class. I loved the writing assignments, and I had one of the highest grades. After that was sociology. Intro to Data Structures was probably my least favorite class. I didn't hate it, but nothing seemed to click. I struggled so much in that class. Java has never been my strong suit, but because I was surrounded by people who seemed to get it, I felt like a failure. Especially because Ari understood it so easily. (I would like to point out, though, that I scored only four points less than them on the final exam and I was loopy on antibiotics and cold medicine at the time.) I had a bad case of Imposter Syndrome, and it hasn't left me. I keep questioning what I really want to do with my life. I love programming and doing cool stuff with technology, but writing has always been a passion of mine. And then there's sociology! I just don't know what to do. Everyone in my life has expectations of me that I'm not sure I'll ever meet. My mom was talking to Ari about computer science, and she was worried about how I would do in the field. I don't think she thinks I can do it. She's not worried about Ari, apparently. She even told Ari that to their face. But whatever.
I guess I'm just going through what a lot of college students do; I'm figuring out who I am and what I want to dedicate my life to. It's hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in expectations and most days I can't break the surface to breathe. I'm pulled under a wave of anxiety, the feeling filling my chest and clutching at my lungs. Nothing has ever been so terrifying to me. This is the first time in my life that I can captain my own ship, and I can't help but worry that I'm going to end up shipwrecked somewhere.
I want to make people proud, but I don't know how to do that. Ari is soaring and I barely feel like I can fly. I'm just worried that I won't be able to succeed at life. People tell me not to worry about it, and that I'll find out what I want to do later, but I don't do well without a plan.
God, I feel like I did when I first realized I like girls. I've spent years telling myself one thing only to find myself questioning it. I convinced myself that I would become a computer scientist, but suddenly I'm not so sure. And this can either turn out like my coming out, where I decide that I don't want to do anything in computer science, or I could decide that I just want to minor in computer science. I know that I'll always have something attached to computer science, because my interests include more than just coding.
Well that was a lot of angst. I guess that's it for now. I'll post soon about how my holigays went!
(No, that wasn't a typo)
So long for now!
So it's been a while, huh? At the request of my friend, I'm going to start blogging again.
Let's see how this goes.
Where to begin? I guess I can pick up where I left off, which was my feelings of isolation. Well, they haven't really gone away. Sometimes, it feels like I'm not part of YWiC at all. When Daniella assigned our rolls at the beginning of the semester (before she left), she put me on all the workshops and after school groups that weren't directly YWiC-related. So I was working the Teen Tech workshops at the downtown mall, mentoring for Supercomputing, and working the CS4HS workshops. I worked one of the middle school workshops when Elena and Angela had to leave for a conference, but I still didn't feel connected. It didn't help that I didn't spend much time in the office. I was in there maybe two hours a week because I only had one class in Science Hall, didn't feel comfortable being in an enclosed space with at least three other YWiC members at a time, and I liked working in my dorm as opposed to the office. At least there I had a desk.
So yeah. I didn't mesh with the other girls. I didn't feel like a part of YWiC. It was even worse when I was left alone with a group of students. With Teen Tech, so few showed up that it was usually just Becca, me, and one other person. Marissa was also a mentor for a Supercomputing team but she didn't show up for meetings and she had no idea what her team was doing. Meanwhile, I have three teams I've managed, four if you count one group who only shows up for the important meetings, and all of them submitted their Interim Reports. Three teams! And she wanted to ask Becca if she could stop being a mentor because it was "too much!"
I guess she has valid points. She is a senior and she's working on her senior project. But she didn't even try to monitor her team. She just expected me to handle them. At least Sasha started helping me run the meetings. I don't like being all by myself because I'm terrified that I'm going to fuck something up. Sasha helped me just by being there.
What else has happened? Well, I met a queer girl in my English class, she added me on Facebook, and we talked for a little bit before I made things awkward. I tried to join clubs but I had little motivation to do things besides homework and reading. I went through a spell of depression that hasn't fully gone away, but I'm working on it. I'm trying to keep myself from falling into a rut, but it's hard when I'm questioning my entire life.
What exactly am I questioning? A lot of stuff. Namely, what I'm doing with my life. This semester, the class I enjoyed the most was my English class. I loved the writing assignments, and I had one of the highest grades. After that was sociology. Intro to Data Structures was probably my least favorite class. I didn't hate it, but nothing seemed to click. I struggled so much in that class. Java has never been my strong suit, but because I was surrounded by people who seemed to get it, I felt like a failure. Especially because Ari understood it so easily. (I would like to point out, though, that I scored only four points less than them on the final exam and I was loopy on antibiotics and cold medicine at the time.) I had a bad case of Imposter Syndrome, and it hasn't left me. I keep questioning what I really want to do with my life. I love programming and doing cool stuff with technology, but writing has always been a passion of mine. And then there's sociology! I just don't know what to do. Everyone in my life has expectations of me that I'm not sure I'll ever meet. My mom was talking to Ari about computer science, and she was worried about how I would do in the field. I don't think she thinks I can do it. She's not worried about Ari, apparently. She even told Ari that to their face. But whatever.
I guess I'm just going through what a lot of college students do; I'm figuring out who I am and what I want to dedicate my life to. It's hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in expectations and most days I can't break the surface to breathe. I'm pulled under a wave of anxiety, the feeling filling my chest and clutching at my lungs. Nothing has ever been so terrifying to me. This is the first time in my life that I can captain my own ship, and I can't help but worry that I'm going to end up shipwrecked somewhere.
I want to make people proud, but I don't know how to do that. Ari is soaring and I barely feel like I can fly. I'm just worried that I won't be able to succeed at life. People tell me not to worry about it, and that I'll find out what I want to do later, but I don't do well without a plan.
God, I feel like I did when I first realized I like girls. I've spent years telling myself one thing only to find myself questioning it. I convinced myself that I would become a computer scientist, but suddenly I'm not so sure. And this can either turn out like my coming out, where I decide that I don't want to do anything in computer science, or I could decide that I just want to minor in computer science. I know that I'll always have something attached to computer science, because my interests include more than just coding.
Well that was a lot of angst. I guess that's it for now. I'll post soon about how my holigays went!
(No, that wasn't a typo)
So long for now!
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Changes, I've had a few
Hey there, Interwebers!
So I should never talk about my romantic relationships on this. Like, ever.
About a week after my last post, Tati stopped talking to me. Just out of the blue. I found out through Instagram that she has a girlfriend. So yeah. My relationships seem to come to an end as soon as I write about them.
But anywho.
So I'm working for YWiC now. It's been great and fun, but there are some parts that suck. Like, our coordinator, Daniella, left. She had been having problems with people, and she didn't feel respected. I completely understand her feelings, but I was sad to see her go. And it's made a lot of things difficult.
I guess what I hate the most about that particular change is that I'm basically alone now. Becca still loves Ari and I, but she's not as involved as Daniella was. So I don't have as strong an ally. But what this has really made difficult is my responsibility. Even though I've been with YWiC for six years, I was only a participant or a helped. Now, I'm being given more than I sometimes feel like I can handle. For example, I'm currently all alone right now in a workshop.
It's called CS4HS, so it's a workshop that tries to get high school teachers to implement computational thinking and other CS principles into the classroom. Last month, I had Daniella and Sasha. This month, it's just me. And I don't really mind, except for that I don't feel like part of the YWiC team. The same was true for last night. I'm a mentor for the Supercomputing teams we have, and last night it was just me and 10 kids, ranging from seventh grade to high school senior. Becca thankfully helped me set up, as well as Ari, which was a welcome change from two weeks ago when I had to set up, run the meeting, and clean up all by myself. Again, I don't really mind. I've been doing stuff like this for years through 4-H and helping my sister. I know how to set up and take down, and I've gotten better and running workshops or clubs. It's just that I would have like having one other YWiC member with me. I know that, by myself, I have to power to make it what I want, but that's not how I want to do it.
I don't want to feel isolated. I don't want to feel like I don't belong on the team. I'm basically the lead YWiC member on all the non-YWiC stuff. I'm doing Supercomputing, CS4HS, and an afterschool workshop at the Downtown Mall for teens called TeenTech. I'm not interacting with any of the YWiC alum for the afterschool workshops, and sometimes it hurts. I joined this to inspire girls to get into CS and stay there. And as much as I love helping with all these other events- and I do- I want to help with all the other ones too. I want to collaborate with the YWiC team. I want to feel like a group.
Maybe someday my wish will come true. Hopefully, we will come together as a unit, in spite of the shift and changes that we have gone through.
Well. I think that was enough angst for today.
So long for now!
So I should never talk about my romantic relationships on this. Like, ever.
About a week after my last post, Tati stopped talking to me. Just out of the blue. I found out through Instagram that she has a girlfriend. So yeah. My relationships seem to come to an end as soon as I write about them.
But anywho.
So I'm working for YWiC now. It's been great and fun, but there are some parts that suck. Like, our coordinator, Daniella, left. She had been having problems with people, and she didn't feel respected. I completely understand her feelings, but I was sad to see her go. And it's made a lot of things difficult.
I guess what I hate the most about that particular change is that I'm basically alone now. Becca still loves Ari and I, but she's not as involved as Daniella was. So I don't have as strong an ally. But what this has really made difficult is my responsibility. Even though I've been with YWiC for six years, I was only a participant or a helped. Now, I'm being given more than I sometimes feel like I can handle. For example, I'm currently all alone right now in a workshop.
It's called CS4HS, so it's a workshop that tries to get high school teachers to implement computational thinking and other CS principles into the classroom. Last month, I had Daniella and Sasha. This month, it's just me. And I don't really mind, except for that I don't feel like part of the YWiC team. The same was true for last night. I'm a mentor for the Supercomputing teams we have, and last night it was just me and 10 kids, ranging from seventh grade to high school senior. Becca thankfully helped me set up, as well as Ari, which was a welcome change from two weeks ago when I had to set up, run the meeting, and clean up all by myself. Again, I don't really mind. I've been doing stuff like this for years through 4-H and helping my sister. I know how to set up and take down, and I've gotten better and running workshops or clubs. It's just that I would have like having one other YWiC member with me. I know that, by myself, I have to power to make it what I want, but that's not how I want to do it.
I don't want to feel isolated. I don't want to feel like I don't belong on the team. I'm basically the lead YWiC member on all the non-YWiC stuff. I'm doing Supercomputing, CS4HS, and an afterschool workshop at the Downtown Mall for teens called TeenTech. I'm not interacting with any of the YWiC alum for the afterschool workshops, and sometimes it hurts. I joined this to inspire girls to get into CS and stay there. And as much as I love helping with all these other events- and I do- I want to help with all the other ones too. I want to collaborate with the YWiC team. I want to feel like a group.
Maybe someday my wish will come true. Hopefully, we will come together as a unit, in spite of the shift and changes that we have gone through.
Well. I think that was enough angst for today.
So long for now!
Saturday, August 20, 2016
College and the Changes it Brings
Hey there, inter-viewers!
So I started college this past Wednesday and it was the first time in a while that I felt anxiety bubble up. It was interesting for me to feel that after a relatively easy summer. Sure, I had work drama, and I didn't really feel valued by some of my coworkers, but I didn't feel stressed, and my anxiety was very low.
I didn't really feel anxious about packing up and moving out, but I did get very annoyed when we moved in to our dorm room. My mom and dad were very stressed about it and they started setting things up without asking Ari and I what we wanted. My brother was a great buffer, because he knew that we were getting agitated. My sister kept quiet, but would offer some advice. They were both great. My parents, however, were micromanaging us. It sucked so much. I know that they were freaking out and having minor separation anxiety, but seriously! They kept moving things around and organizing our things! It took a while before they started to realize that we were upset. I tried really hard to stop my irritation, but I didn't quite succeed. Add to that the awful check-in process, and I was just not in the mood to deal with my parents. I know, I know, I should be grateful, but I really don't like when people move my things or organize my room without my consent. I have a system, and that system is very different from my Mom's.
Anywho. Other things.
So I didn't start feeling anxious until the day before class. I was freaking out about going to class, because I had no idea what to expect. I felt very good after my first day of class, but my anxiety didn't go away.
I think part of that comes from fear. I'm terrified that I'm going to fall out of love with computer science. I know that I love programming, but my favorite class already is Sociology, even though it's a general intro class. Maybe it's because my CS teacher is a woman? I have no idea. It could be that there aren't very many girls and I feel intimidated. Or it could just be that I've finally had a real taste at what sociology is. Even though it's a lecture class, my sociology professor engages us and has a conversation with us instead of talking at us. It's great. But it makes me fear for my major.
Wow. This post got a little heavy. Oh well.
I don't know why, but major life changes seem to coincide with new relationships for me. I kinda hate it, but it is what it is. Anywho, so I met this girl. Well, person. I guess I should explain how. So after Jazmyne broke up with me, I decided to get the Her app. It's an app for queer women and it connects us together. It also has a list of local events and relevant articles. My brother calls it Lesbian Tinder because that's what some women use it for. You can chat with other queer women, and like their profiles. So around the end of July, I got a notification that someone liked my profile. I didn't think much of it, so I liked her profile as well. She's beautiful, but lives more than 200 miles away, so i didn't think anything would happen. Well then she messaged me! I've messaged a few girls over the app, but most of them were my friends, and the rest only gave me one word responses. I was actually really close to deleting the app. I decided to message her back just to see. And from there things took off.
Her name is Tati and she's gorgeous and very smart. With the other girls I messaged, I usually dumbed myself down if I didn't know them, but I was tired of that, so I decided to just be myself and see where that went. Well, turns out she's also very smart and artistic and very interesting. It's only really been a month, but already we've had a lot of great conversations. After two weeks, she told me that I'm "really cute" and that she would "really like to be" my girlfriend. But she lives in Santa Fe. I freaked out and told her to give me a night to think about it. I told her that we should get to know each other more and meet in person before we become anything more than friends. And that's what I wanted. I just wanted a queer friend, but the more we talked, the more I found myself being drawn in. But I can't base a relationship on written words. I can't fall in love with messages.
When I fall in love, I fall in love with the mannerisms. I fall in love with how she laughs, how she talks, how she phrases words. I fall in love with her voice, with how she sings, with the way she moves her hands. If I'm going to fall in love with her, I need to see the way her eyes light up when she's excited, or ignite when she's impassioned. I need to learn the intonation and inflection of her voice, and figure out what words she uses with each emotion she's feeling. I can't fall in love with Tati until I've known her in these ways.
I seem to focus on romance a lot in my life. Part of me feels that I'm justified in my obsession with romance, but another part feels that I'm stupid for wanting to try to be something with Tati. I probably won't meet her in person for a few months, but after we've met a few times, I would really like to put a label on what we are, and I don't really want it to be "friends." I don't know if this will amount to anything, but I hope it will. I guess I'll continue with my obsession, but I hope you all can forgive me for that.
Whelp. I guess that's it. So long for now!
So I started college this past Wednesday and it was the first time in a while that I felt anxiety bubble up. It was interesting for me to feel that after a relatively easy summer. Sure, I had work drama, and I didn't really feel valued by some of my coworkers, but I didn't feel stressed, and my anxiety was very low.
I didn't really feel anxious about packing up and moving out, but I did get very annoyed when we moved in to our dorm room. My mom and dad were very stressed about it and they started setting things up without asking Ari and I what we wanted. My brother was a great buffer, because he knew that we were getting agitated. My sister kept quiet, but would offer some advice. They were both great. My parents, however, were micromanaging us. It sucked so much. I know that they were freaking out and having minor separation anxiety, but seriously! They kept moving things around and organizing our things! It took a while before they started to realize that we were upset. I tried really hard to stop my irritation, but I didn't quite succeed. Add to that the awful check-in process, and I was just not in the mood to deal with my parents. I know, I know, I should be grateful, but I really don't like when people move my things or organize my room without my consent. I have a system, and that system is very different from my Mom's.
Anywho. Other things.
So I didn't start feeling anxious until the day before class. I was freaking out about going to class, because I had no idea what to expect. I felt very good after my first day of class, but my anxiety didn't go away.
I think part of that comes from fear. I'm terrified that I'm going to fall out of love with computer science. I know that I love programming, but my favorite class already is Sociology, even though it's a general intro class. Maybe it's because my CS teacher is a woman? I have no idea. It could be that there aren't very many girls and I feel intimidated. Or it could just be that I've finally had a real taste at what sociology is. Even though it's a lecture class, my sociology professor engages us and has a conversation with us instead of talking at us. It's great. But it makes me fear for my major.
Wow. This post got a little heavy. Oh well.
I don't know why, but major life changes seem to coincide with new relationships for me. I kinda hate it, but it is what it is. Anywho, so I met this girl. Well, person. I guess I should explain how. So after Jazmyne broke up with me, I decided to get the Her app. It's an app for queer women and it connects us together. It also has a list of local events and relevant articles. My brother calls it Lesbian Tinder because that's what some women use it for. You can chat with other queer women, and like their profiles. So around the end of July, I got a notification that someone liked my profile. I didn't think much of it, so I liked her profile as well. She's beautiful, but lives more than 200 miles away, so i didn't think anything would happen. Well then she messaged me! I've messaged a few girls over the app, but most of them were my friends, and the rest only gave me one word responses. I was actually really close to deleting the app. I decided to message her back just to see. And from there things took off.
Her name is Tati and she's gorgeous and very smart. With the other girls I messaged, I usually dumbed myself down if I didn't know them, but I was tired of that, so I decided to just be myself and see where that went. Well, turns out she's also very smart and artistic and very interesting. It's only really been a month, but already we've had a lot of great conversations. After two weeks, she told me that I'm "really cute" and that she would "really like to be" my girlfriend. But she lives in Santa Fe. I freaked out and told her to give me a night to think about it. I told her that we should get to know each other more and meet in person before we become anything more than friends. And that's what I wanted. I just wanted a queer friend, but the more we talked, the more I found myself being drawn in. But I can't base a relationship on written words. I can't fall in love with messages.
When I fall in love, I fall in love with the mannerisms. I fall in love with how she laughs, how she talks, how she phrases words. I fall in love with her voice, with how she sings, with the way she moves her hands. If I'm going to fall in love with her, I need to see the way her eyes light up when she's excited, or ignite when she's impassioned. I need to learn the intonation and inflection of her voice, and figure out what words she uses with each emotion she's feeling. I can't fall in love with Tati until I've known her in these ways.
I seem to focus on romance a lot in my life. Part of me feels that I'm justified in my obsession with romance, but another part feels that I'm stupid for wanting to try to be something with Tati. I probably won't meet her in person for a few months, but after we've met a few times, I would really like to put a label on what we are, and I don't really want it to be "friends." I don't know if this will amount to anything, but I hope it will. I guess I'll continue with my obsession, but I hope you all can forgive me for that.
Whelp. I guess that's it. So long for now!
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