Happy Holigays Pt 2

 ***Written on 1/4/17 but I forgot to post***

How's it going, Interwebers?

Today sucks.

Since the last post, things have gone a bit south. Not too much, but I'm feeling frustrated. The first thing I should mention is that I lost my wallet last week and still haven't found it. Well, I've been searching for it for the last four days except for today because I was so tired and weak (I'll explain why further in the post), and my mom got upset with me because tomorrow is trash day and she was adamant that it could have fallen in the trash. She kept telling me all the things that I would need my wallet for and was practically begging me to look through the trash. I got so frustrated that I went outside in just my Batman onsie and running shoes and searched through the trash. I looked through four garbage bags, and I thanked God the entire time that my nose is stuffed up because otherwise I'm sure I would have thrown up.

It wasn't there.

I stormed in and took off my onesie and washed my hands and arms and I just felt like crying. There was this small hope that it would be there, but it wasn't. Just like I told my mom. I feel so frustrated, because I'm no closer to finding my wallet than I was before I looked through the trash. I know I need my wallet. I know that I would need to replace my driver's license, debit card, and student ID. Why can't they just leave me alone? I'm looking for it. It's not like I'm just lazing around waiting for my wallet to appear out of thin air. Well, except for today, but that was for a different reason. 

Which brings me to why I was tired and weak today. So I've basically been sick since the week right after thanksgiving. First I developed something similar to strep, so I got put on heavy duty antibiotics for ten days. I was sick for a week by the time I finally went to the doctor, so I was on those antibiotics during finals week. Well, I finished them by the middle of December and my mom decided to go to Phoenix to visit my niece. Who was sick at the time. You get where I'm going with this?

So my niece got me sick again, and it's taken from the third week of December until now for me to start getting better. I didn't go to the doctor because it didn't seem all that bad. I had a persistent cough, but my throat wasn't sore and I wasn't coughing up anything. My nose also never got runny or stuffy. I just kept coughing. It was worse at night, so every morning my mom would bug me about going to the doctor. I didn't listen until after the new year because that's when I developed congestion in my sinuses. I hate sinus infections, so I conceded going to the doctor so I could avoid that. Yesterday was my first round of pills, which is why I felt so drained today. I just couldn't find the energy to find my wallet today.

So yeah. My wallet is missing, I'm still sick but getting better, and my mom is upset with me. I get that she's terrified I'm going to die. I know that this is all probably triggering her, but I just wish she wouldn't take out her frustration on me. She makes me feel like it's my fault for staying sick. I know I should have gotten treated sooner, but the more she told me to go, the more I didn't want to. Sigh.

I guess that's it. So long for now.

Happy Holigays Pt I

Happy what-day-is-it-and-what-do-I-do-until-New-Years Interwebers!

So the last post was full of angst. Sorry for that. Being home for the holigays has been stressful on my psyche. I love my family, and I love being home, but sometimes they are overbearing and it sucks. Plus, I can't really vent to them because they immediately want to know how I plan on fixing the problem. Sometimes, I just want to complain. Which is why I turn to this.

Anywho, Christmas was great, which kinda surprised me. I had a good Thanksgiving and Christmas, which hasn't happened in a few years. Last year, Thanksgiving sucked because my grandpa was in the hospital. The Christmas the year before sucked because my mom's cousin was starting to give up and stopped eating, which meant he couldn't continue chemo. So the fact that both holidays were great this year kinda shocked me. I got what I wanted, and everyone was satisfied with their gifts. My mom wasn't upset, and we all had a good time.

I guess the reason for my sour mood is the fact that I'm sick. It's not even being sick that's the problem, it's the way my family is reacting that's bothering me. My mom keeps nagging me to go to the doctor, and they won't leave me alone about what I wear. My brother keeps telling me I should just listen so that I can get better. I want to get better, but their constant disapproval of what I'm doing is just making me upset. I hate being monitored around the clock. I know I should go to the doctor's, but I hate going. I never really liked the doctor before, but now it just fills me with anxiety and I'm not entirely sure why. Part of me feels guilty for not going, especially because I have friends who are worried that I've been sick for a while. I even have a friend on tumblr who yelled at me for not going to the doctor's. That was a trip, let me tell you.

Another reason I'm not of the best mindset is because my food intake is being monitored by my brother. He wants me to eat healthy foods, but his main thing is that I have to eat protein every time I eat something. I can't go to the kitchen without him asking me where my protein is. It's so aggravating that I've just stopped eating unless he's in his room. I'm not starving myself, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong, even though I'm not. It's aggravating.

Whelp. This was also kinda angsty, but at least it wasn't as bad as last time. My brother is coming home today, so I guess that's a plus. I just finished cleaning my gun in case he decides to take us shooting. Which brings up another story!

So I made a friend on tumblr who lives in England, where guns are illegal. I wasn't sure about this fact, and I was also distracted when I told her that I had to clean my gun. Let me tell you, that was not a fun conversation to have. It freaked her out that I own a gun, especially because I'm younger than she is. I didn't realize how socialized I was to think owning a gun is normal. Hell, most of my friends have shot a gun before. A few even own guns! So I didn't think it was that big of a thing. But she went off on me, telling me that she can count the number of guns she has seen on one hand, and that she can't understand US gun laws, and that the one of the major factors keeping her from moving to the US for her dance career is the fact that pretty much anyone can own a gun. I made the mistake of telling her that there are four guns in my house alone, and that's just the one I know of. So yeah. She's more confused and freaked out than mad at me, which is good. I'm just not going to mention guns ever to her.

I guess that's it for today. So long for now!

Catching Up

Hey there, Interwebers!

So it's been a while, huh? At the request of my friend, I'm going to start blogging again.

Let's see how this goes.

Where to begin? I guess I can pick up where I left off, which was my feelings of isolation. Well, they haven't really gone away. Sometimes, it feels like I'm not part of YWiC at all. When Daniella assigned our rolls at the beginning of the semester (before she left), she put me on all the workshops and after school groups that weren't directly YWiC-related. So I was working the Teen Tech workshops at the downtown mall, mentoring for Supercomputing, and working the CS4HS workshops. I worked one of the middle school workshops when Elena and Angela had to leave for a conference, but I still didn't feel connected. It didn't help that I didn't spend much time in the office. I was in there maybe two hours a week because I only had one class in Science Hall, didn't feel comfortable being in an enclosed space with at least three other YWiC members at a time, and I liked working in my dorm as opposed to the office. At least there I had a desk.

So yeah. I didn't mesh with the other girls. I didn't feel like a part of YWiC. It was even worse when I was left alone with a group of students. With Teen Tech, so few showed up that it was usually just Becca, me, and one other person. Marissa was also a mentor for a Supercomputing team but she didn't show up for meetings and she had no idea what her team was doing. Meanwhile, I have three teams I've managed, four if you count one group who only shows up for the important meetings, and all of them submitted their Interim Reports. Three teams! And she wanted to ask Becca if she could stop being a mentor because it was "too much!"

I guess she has valid points. She is a senior and she's working on her senior project. But she didn't even try to monitor her team. She just expected me to handle them. At least Sasha started helping me run the meetings. I don't like being all by myself because I'm terrified that I'm going to fuck something up. Sasha helped me just by being there.

What else has happened? Well, I met a queer girl in my English class, she added me on Facebook, and we talked for a little bit before I made things awkward. I tried to join clubs but I had little motivation to do things besides homework and reading. I went through a spell of depression that hasn't fully gone away, but I'm working on it. I'm trying to keep myself from falling into a rut, but it's hard when I'm questioning my entire life.

What exactly am I questioning? A lot of stuff. Namely, what I'm doing with my life. This semester, the class I enjoyed the most was my English class. I loved the writing assignments, and I had one of the highest grades. After that was sociology. Intro to Data Structures was probably my least favorite class. I didn't hate it, but nothing seemed to click. I struggled so much in that class. Java has never been my strong suit, but because I was surrounded by people who seemed to get it, I felt like a failure. Especially because Ari understood it so easily. (I would like to point out, though, that I scored only four points less than them on the final exam and I was loopy on antibiotics and cold medicine at the time.) I had a bad case of Imposter Syndrome, and it hasn't left me. I keep questioning what I really want to do with my life. I love programming and doing cool stuff with technology, but writing has always been a passion of mine. And then there's sociology! I just don't know what to do. Everyone in my life has expectations of me that I'm not sure I'll ever meet. My mom was talking to Ari about computer science, and she was worried about how I would do in the field. I don't think she thinks I can do it. She's not worried about Ari, apparently. She even told Ari that to their face. But whatever.

I guess I'm just going through what a lot of college students do; I'm figuring out who I am and what I want to dedicate my life to. It's hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in expectations and most days I can't break the surface to breathe. I'm pulled under a wave of anxiety, the feeling filling my chest and clutching at my lungs. Nothing has ever been so terrifying to me. This is the first time in my life that I can captain my own ship, and I can't help but worry that I'm going to end up shipwrecked somewhere.

I want to make people proud, but I don't know how to do that. Ari is soaring and I barely feel like I can fly. I'm just worried that I won't be able to succeed at life. People tell me not to worry about it, and that I'll find out what I want to do later, but I don't do well without a plan.

God, I feel like I did when I first realized I like girls. I've spent years telling myself one thing only to find myself questioning it. I convinced myself that I would become a computer scientist, but suddenly I'm not so sure. And this can either turn out like my coming out, where I decide that I don't want to do anything in computer science, or I could decide that I just want to minor in computer science. I know that I'll always have something attached to computer science, because my interests include more than just coding.

Well that was a lot of angst. I guess that's it for now. I'll post soon about how my holigays went!
(No, that wasn't a typo)

So long for now!

Changes, I've had a few

Hey there, Interwebers!

So I should never talk about my romantic relationships on this. Like, ever.

About a week after my last post, Tati stopped talking to me. Just out of the blue. I found out through Instagram that she has a girlfriend. So yeah. My relationships seem to come to an end as soon as I write about them.

But anywho.

So I'm working for YWiC now. It's been great and fun, but there are some parts that suck. Like, our coordinator, Daniella, left. She had been having problems with people, and she didn't feel respected. I completely understand her feelings, but I was sad to see her go. And it's made a lot of things difficult.

I guess what I hate the most about that particular change is that I'm basically alone now. Becca still loves Ari and I, but she's not as involved as Daniella was. So I don't have as strong an ally. But what this has really made difficult is my responsibility. Even though I've been with YWiC for six years, I was only a participant or a helped. Now, I'm being given more than I sometimes feel like I can handle. For example, I'm currently all alone right now in a workshop.

It's called CS4HS, so it's a workshop that tries to get high school teachers to implement computational thinking and other CS principles into the classroom. Last month, I had Daniella and Sasha. This month, it's just me. And I don't really mind, except for that I don't feel like part of the YWiC team. The same was true for last night. I'm a mentor for the Supercomputing teams we have, and last night it was just me and 10 kids, ranging from seventh grade to high school senior. Becca thankfully helped me set up, as well as Ari, which was a welcome change from two weeks ago when I had to set up, run the meeting, and clean up all by myself. Again, I don't really mind. I've been doing stuff like this for years through 4-H and helping my sister. I know how to set up and take down, and I've gotten better and running workshops or clubs. It's just that I would have like having one other YWiC member with me. I know that, by myself, I have to power to make it what I want, but that's not how I want to do it.

I don't want to feel isolated. I don't want to feel like I don't belong on the team. I'm basically the lead YWiC member on all the non-YWiC stuff. I'm doing Supercomputing, CS4HS, and an afterschool workshop at the Downtown Mall for teens called TeenTech. I'm not interacting with any of the YWiC alum for the afterschool workshops, and sometimes it hurts. I joined this to inspire girls to get into CS and stay there. And as much as I love helping with all these other events- and I do- I want to help with all the other ones too. I want to collaborate with the YWiC team. I want to feel like a group.

Maybe someday my wish will come true. Hopefully, we will come together as a unit, in spite of the shift and changes that we have gone through.

Well. I think that was enough angst for today.

So long for now!

College and the Changes it Brings

Hey there, inter-viewers!

So I started college this past Wednesday and it was the first time in a while that I felt anxiety bubble up. It was interesting for me to feel that after a relatively easy summer. Sure, I had work drama, and I didn't really feel valued by some of my coworkers, but I didn't feel stressed, and my anxiety was very low.

I didn't really feel anxious about packing up and moving out, but I did get very annoyed when we moved in to our dorm room. My mom and dad were very stressed about it and they started setting things up without asking Ari and I what we wanted. My brother was a great buffer, because he knew that we were getting agitated. My sister kept quiet, but would offer some advice. They were both great. My parents, however, were micromanaging us. It sucked so much. I know that they were freaking out and having minor separation anxiety, but seriously! They kept moving things around and organizing our things! It took a while before they started to realize that we were upset. I tried really hard to stop my irritation, but I didn't quite succeed. Add to that the awful check-in process, and I was just not in the mood to deal with my parents. I know, I know, I should be grateful, but I really don't like when people move my things or organize my room without my consent. I have a system, and that system is very different from my Mom's.

Anywho. Other things.

So I didn't start feeling anxious until the day before class. I was freaking out about going to class, because I had no idea what to expect. I felt very good after my first day of class, but my anxiety didn't go away.

I think part of that comes from fear. I'm terrified that I'm going to fall out of love with computer science. I know that I love programming, but my favorite class already is Sociology, even though it's a general intro class. Maybe it's because my CS teacher is a woman? I have no idea. It could be that there aren't very many girls and I feel intimidated. Or it could just be that I've finally had a real taste at what sociology is. Even though it's a lecture class, my sociology professor engages us and has a conversation with us instead of talking at us. It's great. But it makes me fear for my major.

Wow. This post got a little heavy. Oh well.

I don't know why, but major life changes seem to coincide with new relationships for me. I kinda hate it, but it is what it is. Anywho, so I met this girl. Well, person. I guess I should explain how. So after Jazmyne broke up with me, I decided to get the Her app. It's an app for queer women and it connects us together. It also has a list of local events and relevant articles. My brother calls it Lesbian Tinder because that's what some women use it for. You can chat with other queer women, and like their profiles. So around the end of July, I got a notification that someone liked my profile. I didn't think much of it, so I liked her profile as well. She's beautiful, but lives more than 200 miles away, so i didn't think anything would happen. Well then she messaged me! I've messaged a few girls over the app, but most of them were my friends, and the rest only gave me one word responses. I was actually really close to deleting the app. I decided to message her back just to see. And from there things took off.

Her name is Tati and she's gorgeous and very smart. With the other girls I messaged, I usually dumbed myself down if I didn't know them, but I was tired of that, so I decided to just be myself and see where that went. Well, turns out she's also very smart and artistic and very interesting. It's only really been a month, but already we've had a lot of great conversations. After two weeks, she told me that I'm "really cute" and that she would "really like to be" my girlfriend. But she lives in Santa Fe. I freaked out and told her to give me a night to think about it. I told her that we should get to know each other more and meet in person before we become anything more than friends. And that's what I wanted. I just wanted a queer friend, but the more we talked, the more I found myself being drawn in. But I can't base a relationship on written words. I can't fall in love with messages.

When I fall in love, I fall in love with the mannerisms. I fall in love with how she laughs, how she talks, how she phrases words. I fall in love with her voice, with how she sings, with the way she moves her hands. If I'm going to fall in love with her, I need to see the way her eyes light up when she's excited, or ignite when she's impassioned. I need to learn the intonation and inflection of her voice, and figure out what words she uses with each emotion she's feeling. I can't fall in love with Tati until I've known her in these ways.

I seem to focus on romance a lot in my life. Part of me feels that I'm justified in my obsession with romance, but another part feels that I'm stupid for wanting to try to be something with Tati. I probably won't meet her in person for a few months, but after we've met a few times, I would really like to put a label on what we are, and I don't really want it to be "friends." I don't know if this will amount to anything, but I hope it will. I guess I'll continue with my obsession, but I hope you all can forgive me for that.

Whelp. I guess that's it. So long for now!

Confidence

I know those are regular Skittles, but it
was the only gif I could find

Hello, Internet Dwellers!

Today is National Sour Candy day, and I'm so excited. I love sour candy.

Anywho, on to the point of this post.

Today is Dapper Day at the YWiC camps, so i decided to wear a white button up with slacks, and my amazing Batman suspenders. I love these things. Ari bought them for me at our last trip to the mall. I feel pretty great in them, but part of me still worries that I don't look good in them. I know I'm lacking in confidence at the moment in regards to my body because of the weight I've gained over the last three months. It's nothing too extreme, and I'm still considered healthy, but I'm just not satisfied with my body. I know that I should be working out and eating better, but some days it's so hard to even stay awake longer that the eight hours I work nearly every day.

This lack of satisfaction with my body isn't uncommon, but I remember a time when I relished gaining weight. I was always a small child, and constantly sick. I didn't break 100 lbs until the eighth grade. I was happy being above 100 lbs because it meant that I was normal. But then I started gaining a lot of weight. Between my sophomore year and my junior year, I gained about ten pounds, It didn't bother me, though, as I was filling out. But during the summer before my senior year, I gained about ten more. Now, ever since I was a sophomore, my mom has mentioned to me her concerns about my weight gain. She told me that she was worried I would "Balloon." I didn't let it affect me too much until I noticed that most of my clothes didn't fit. My mom even took me shopping for larger clothing. I hated it. I hated that I wasn't "Skinny" anymore.

No one could really tell, but Ari admitted to me that I was gaining a lot of weight. I wasn't happy with myself. But then I got a girlfriend and I suddenly started losing weight. Of course, there were other factors involved. Namely, the fact that my grandpa was hospitalized and had to have a portion of his intestine removed. It was a rough time for all of us, and that Thanksgiving has gone down as the worst one I have experience thus far. It was awful. All the stress of having my grandpa in the hospital and scholarship deadlines was too much for me, so I stopped eating. I would eat every now and then, but it wasn't consistent. I was eating maybe once or twice a day. I never went a day without food, but I rarely ate three meals, let alone enough to feel full. I just didn't feel like eating. I lost ten pounds that week. My friends noticed I wasn't eating, and were concerned. I just learned how to hide it better.

Throughout the duration of my relationship with Jazmyne, I maintained a weight of 117. Towards the end of it, I lost about three more pounds. Jazmyne was smaller than me, but at that point she weighed more than I did. For some strange reason, I was happy with that fact. After we broke up and I graduated, I started gaining the weight back. I believe that my stress was the contributing factor to my weight loss. I don't eat when I'm stressed, and having a turbulent relationship and getting ready to finish high school certainly put a lot of stress on me. Once that stress was gone, I had no excuse to not eat. I'm not happy with my weight, but at least it's not as bad as it was last September. I am consciously making the decision to exercise and I'm trying to eat healthy in an effort to lose weight in a healthy way. I don't want to starve myself. I don't want to drop ten pounds in five days like I have in the past.

This was highly personal, so I hope you know how important this all is to me. I have had issues with my body for the last seven years if I'm being honest. At first, it was for my lack of cleavage, simply because I was called a boy and made fun of for my small boobs during middle school. Now, I'm self-conscious about that and my waistline. I also have stretch marks from the rapid growth of my hips sophomore year. My body isn't perfect, and in my worst moments, I hate it. I've had people tell me my body is fine, and two girls have actually called it desirable. But words will do little for my own image of myself. It will take me years to be happy with how I look, and I just wish people would understand that. It's a process. Up until two years ago, I hated myself. I now like myself, and in some moments, I even love myself. Personality wise, that is.

I may never be perfectly satisfied with my body. It may take me years to find myself desirable. I may never be happy with how I look. But maybe someday I can find someone who makes me believe that I am beautiful to her. Maybe someday I'll find a girl who makes me believe that I can be loved for everything, and not just my personality. But until then, I will be working on loving myself. After all, I can't be happy with someone if I'm not happy with myself first.

So long for now, inter-dwellers. Sorry for the heavy post.

Hazey

Hey, surfers of the internet!

I hope your day is going well.

So the last post was a rather personal love poem I wrote last week. One of my close friends encouraged me to post it, so there you go! I hope those of you who read it liked it, even if it's just a little bit.

So Ari finally got back from California late last night/ early this morning. I was woken up because we have to share a bed for the foreseeable future because my grandpa is staying with us. Which means I am in a very cranky mood.

I can't talk freely about my frustration for fear she will see, but I'm extremely frustrated with a girl I know. It's bred from insecurity and a need to be dominant in the YWiC and subsequent computer science spaces. I like feeling appreciated and needed and useful, but she kinda prevents it for me. She has taken the lead and it upsets me. I've been a leader for a while, even if it's only in the background.

I guess this is giving me experience with working with people that I don't get along well with. And it really sucks, because she is a good friend of mine. We just don't work great together. We get along fine, but some things that I normally do for these camps have been replaced by what she thinks is "better." And some days it's not that bad but some days it sucks so much. I realize that I'm just jealous and insecure, but this is my space. This is where I've been the past six+ summers of my life. I live and breathe YWiC. I've seen what works and what doesn't. I've seen both good and bad camp experiences. Two camps does not an expert make.

Sorry. I just had to get my frustration out. I needed to vent about it so that I can be ok today. I'm not in a great mood, again because I had very little sleep. I'm not equipped to be personable and cheery today. Let's see what happens. I hope Ari being here in the afternoon will make things better.

So long for now!